Kristina's Story

It was late in February when I went with my dance team to Las Vegas for a dance competition. I remember the night before leaving, my boyfriend and I had eaten at Carl's Jr. which at the time is a place that I loved to eat at. About an hour after dinner I felt very sick and commented to him about getting food poisoning.

The next morning I drove with my parents to Las Vegas where I was to meet the rest of my dance team. When I woke up that morning I had felt so sick and thought there was no way I was ever going to survive the four hour drive that was ahead of me. I felt so sick and so blah. My mom asked me if I was okay and I told her that I thought I had food poisoning. She responded by saying, "You're not pregnant are you?" I was like no I'm not. Now that I look back I don't even comprehend how I didn't know that I was. The entire trip I felt so emotional and sick and I thought it was just the stress from the practicing and the partying that accompanied the weekend in Vegas.

I came home on a Monday feeling a little better but still not myself. I went to see my boyfriend and told him of how I felt. I said to him you know what I don't know when my last period was and asked him if he had remembered. I had been on birth control for about six months prior to that but had to stop for a month due to excessive bleeding. We thought that there was no possible way that I could be pregnant but just to be safe we stopped by the local store to pick up a pregnancy test.

Well what we had both dreaded had come true, I was in fact pregnant. I immediately started to cry and had no idea what to do. I was 18, a freshman in college, didn't have a steady job, and was more confused then I had ever been in my entire life. My boyfriend not knowing what to do either grabbed our school newspaper and turned it open to a planned parenthood type of service. He called the place and asked if we could come in to talk to someone.

The ride there was very uneasy and all that I could think about was when I had asked my boyfriend a long time before this day, "What would you say if I were to get pregnant?" He responded by saying he would want me to get an abortion, and at this point that thought scared me to death. I have always been pro-life except in situations where the girl had been raped or so forth.

We arrived at the place and they gave me another pregnancy test to confirm what I already knew. A lady sat down and talked to us about our options. When I left that place I was more scared then when I went in. The lady told me all of these horror stories about abortion and pretty much yelled at my boyfriend when he told her that he wasn't ready to be a father. I wish now that I could do something to stop that place from telling pretty much total lies, her facts were not up to date, and she was not comforting at all which is supposed to be her job. (see related article about antiabortion pregnancy centers)

Well at this point I had to make the toughest decision of my life. I already knew what my boyfriend wanted, and I also knew that I had to decide quickly. The reason I think it was so hard for me was because of the fact that my boyfriend and I were so much in love. He was my best friend, I had lost my virginity to him, and he was the man that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the man I wanted to be the father of my children. There was the most precious baby inside of me that was a part of both of us, that was created out of our love. The only thing was I knew he did not want this baby, and he told me it would ruin his future and his plans and goals that he had for himself. This made me very upset and I told myself that I could not bring this child into the world if only one of us was willing. I had not told my parents and at this point I never thought that I would. So I decided that abortion was the only choice.

I made an appointment for that Sunday and my boyfriend promised he would be there for me through everything. That week had gone by very slowly and I felt myself getting more and more attached to my baby that was growing inside me. The night before the procedure I couldn't sleep and when I actually did sleep I had the worst nightmares.

March 5th 2000 the day I dreaded all week had finally come and it was pouring rain. My boyfriend picked me up and I had to lie to my parents and tell them I was going to my boyfriend's grandfather's house for the day. We arrived at the place and at this point all I wanted to do was get it over with. I read all the paperwork carefully and sat in the waiting room for what seemed like a lifetime. When they finally called my name I gave my boyfriend a kiss, told him that I loved him and walked through the door where a lady handed me a green hospital gown.

I quickly got changed and went into another room where there were about five or six other ladies awaiting the same procedure. It was like an assembly line each taking turns getting an ultrasound then giving blood until finally it was my turn. I walked into the cold room where two nurses had awaited me and told me to hop up on to the table. They proceeded to attach some wires to me to get my pulse and such other things that I'm not quite sure about. I remember waiting in the room for the doctor and I was so cold and so scared that I was literally shaking. As I waited many thoughts ran through my head, I wondered if my boyfriend knew that it was about to happen, I asked God to forgive me for what I was about to do, and I also wondered about this child that was never to be born.

At that moment the doctor came in introduced himself, and told me to have a nice nap. The next thing I remember I was throwing up and nurses were trying to help me because I could hardly sit up I was so drugged on the anesthesia. After I was done throwing up I sat back in my hospital bed and looked around at all the other women in the recovery room and just sat and cried. Soon after I got dressed, received some medication and slipped out the back door where my boyfriend had awaited me. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. The pain was bad but honestly not as bad as I thought it was going to be but I knew that moment that I could never go through it again. After it was all over I was really sad but told myself that I made the right decision and that it was up to me to go on with my life.

Exactly one week after the abortion we got a call from my aunt who informed us that my grandfather was in the hospital dying and that we better hurry up and get to the there. This was something that was totally unexpected, and two days later he passed away. In my entire life I have never had anyone close to me pass away or anything really difficult that I was forced to deal with. IN a matter of one week two of the worst things to ever happen to me did. Everyone kept telling me to be strong for my mom but nobody had a clue what was going on in my life, I couldn't even be strong for myself.

The days went on and I felt myself fall into a state of depression. I really thought that I was dying of something that was unknown to me and I gave up on things that I love, including my boyfriend. I think I started to blame him for my loss and started to shut him out even thought he was right there always willing to be someone to talk, to or a shoulder to cry on. About a month later, my mom and I got into an argument and when she asked me why I was so upset and angry I blurted out to her that I had an abortion. She started to cry but at the same time was so upset about losing her dad I felt that this on top of that was just too much to handle.

It has been 7 months since the procedure and my mom and I have not since talked about what has happened. I think she just shuts it out like it's not there to make it easier on her which I can understand. I just wish when I'm crying myself to sleep that she could just hold me until I fall asleep like she used to. It's hard to talk to friends about it cause I don't always know who I can and cannot trust and I feel that they just don't understand. There are some days when I know I made the right decision it just hurts to think that in less than a month I could be having a baby. It's not that I want to get pregnant again, I just want that very same baby back!

I have friends that have either had a baby or about to have a baby. This makes me think that I just took the easy way out. The thing is I know I could have handled it, and I really believe that me and my boyfriend would have loved that baby unconditionally. Maybe we couldn't have given it everything that it could ever want but I know one thing for sure and that is no one baby could ever be loved more. I wonder to myself if it was to be a boy or a girl, what it would have looked like, what we would have named it. I think about how wonderful it would be to here my child say that they love me or to give me a great big hug and kiss. I know that I will have this all some day but the point I created something out of love and destroyed it because I was scared. I have never regretted something so much in my entire life.

It gets so frustrating to me because I have so much negative energy inside and I don't know what to do with it. It makes me feel so bad because what usually happens is I take it out on my boyfriend who I love more then anything. He has been by my side through this and everything else and has loved me every step of the way. I see the hurt in his eyes when I take things out on him but he takes it because he blames himself. That hurts me because it was my decision and if I have anyone to blame it would be me. I still believe with all my heart that he is "the one" I just wish I knew a way to help myself and to help our relationship, so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

Oh, and I have a message for anyone who is debating whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. It is your decision to make and yours only!!!! Don't make the same mistake that I did and rush into making a decision. Think it through carefully because I promise you either way it will affect your life.

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