Virginia's Story

I sit here at my computer...I feel alone after doing a home pregnancy test last night...it was positive...this is my seventh pregnancy. My first pregnancy was 11 years ago...when I had just turned 17...with the support of my partner and my mother I decided to terminate the pregnancy as I was to young and had other goals in my life...I had no concept of what I was doing....sure I knew what would happen in the procedure..but as for the full impact of my decision..that didn't come until later.

My second pregnancy was at 18...and even though it was not planned....I could not terminate...I was still young...still had things I wanted to do with my life.....but I just couldn't do it. With the support of my boyfriend and mother again...I had the child...and although it turned my world upside down...the decision was right...my father died 8 weeks before his first grandson was born...my sons birth helped us all with pain of losing my dad...as one soul passes another is born.

My third pregnancy...I was 20 and it was unplanned again.....I couldn't terminate...I had my daughter...my own plans and passions ceased to exist from there....I was still with my boyfriend and I shifted away from my family and friends to be with him and make a proper family...I was suffering from depression through out this time although I didn't know it.

My fourth pregnancy....my partner and I had built our first home...we shifted in with our two children...it was all exciting....we had talked of having another child...we decided we would try....my first planned pregnancy...I wanted it to be everything I imagined it would be.....I wanted to feel happy for the first time when I found out I was pregnant...not tears and despite for the situation I was in....but being overjoyed at our expectant baby....I was so happy to tell everyone...no feelings of shame or yes I'm pregnant again...I was proud.....I miscarried at 10 weeks. Then the questions started in my head...why when I decide I want a child can I not have one.....I convinced my self that the powers that be were punishing me for my abortion....I was so sad...but I realize now I was only punishing myself....

My 5th pregnancy was planned a few months after the miscarriage.....I was finally diagnosed at 5 months with suffering from severe depression....I couldn't function...I couldn't sleep....I was doing my best to look after my other 2 children....but I would spend most of the day in bed crying....wishing I would just stop breathing ..I hated myself so much.....I started seeing a shrink...and was surprised at the emotions that poured from my mouth about my abortion...I had never had any counseling about it...the procedure was done and that was it....now I'm not saying the abortion caused my depression....I had a so many things to work through....but the abortion was one part of it I had never dealt with.. Through out my pregnancy...I wouldn't give myself the luxury of having thoughts of my new baby to be....I did not get anything ready...I was so sure that it would be taken away from me again...that it would be a matter of time..so I tried to stay as unattached to my baby as I could....I had a boy he was healthy...I eventually overcame my depression and felt like I had never felt before....and I decided to go back and study and try and work towards the goals I had wanted to when I was 16....my partner and I decided that we had completed our family and got a dog....

I completed my course....overcame all my other obstacles and was about to look for work in Real Estate for the very first time in my life...with a new sense of confidence and self esteem I had never had for myself....I found out I was pregnant for the 6th time I was 26...and I was devastated....how could this be...we were being so careful....I couldn't terminate again....and although I didn't want this baby....I took it as my fate....it took me a long while to come to terms with it...suffered from depression again...but I adapted and we had another little boy....he is an angel....and is 9 months old...my self esteem and confidence is back again...I can do anything...I have enrolled to do my diploma and look for work even though I know my earnings will go to childcare...

Well this is pregnancy no.7.....I am devastated...I have done nothing but cried...my relationship with my partner of 12 years isn't the best any more...(the best...I asked him to leave a few weeks ago)...we haven't the room or the finances for a 5th child....we are on one low income now...and our home is not happy...I am thinking of terminating it...I don't think I can do it again...

So I sit here alone...I can't even tell my mother...I can't tell anyone...but I am so thankful I found this website reading the stories and writing this story has helped me a lot...and I am hoping I will be able to come to the right decision.

Thank you for listening...edit it how you like...I know it is very long winded but it does help to get things out.

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