Tracy's Story

I have never experienced so much pain in my life.

My boyfriend and I had unprotected sex several times. About a month or so afterward, I had my suspicions... all the physical symptoms told me the same thing. I decided late on a Sunday to take a pregnancy test, and the result was positive.

From that moment on, I became an automaton. I pushed back the fear, the anger, the pain, the frustration, and forcefully convinced myself that this was an emergency and should be dealt with quickly and unemotionally.

I had my abortion two days after I took the pregnancy test. The clinicians at Planned Parenthood were very kind and supportive, and most importantly, nonjudgmental. The pain of the procedure was indescribable, despite the tranquilizer and the preparation I received from the counselor. I began to hyperventilate and to panic as the abortion proceeded. The doctor's assistant and my boyfriend could not calm me, because the violence being done to my body was so very frightening.

I did make it through the procedure, and my physical recovery was predictable. But I have had a plague of other problems since then, including depression, panic attacks, and a hostility toward myself that seems to know no boundaries.

I have been "pro-choice" all my life, and will continue to be. Even with more time to decide, I would not have chosen to become a mother at this time in my life. If I couldn't discipline myself to have safe sex, what kind of parent would I make?

Despite my slow mental recovery, I consider myself a lucky person. I have a loving boyfriend who stayed with me every step of the way, who supports my decisions, who holds me while I cry and celebrates with me on the good days.

I am going back to school for my bachelor's degree in Behavioral Science. I am volunteering with the mentally ill. I have a job and a home and all the things I enjoy.

But every day is a struggle, like it never used to be. There is a void in my life which none of these things will fill.

I had an abortion. I am recovering. I am alone in my body once again.

Tracy
6 July 1999