Sue's Story

I had an abortion 7 weeks ago... I could still remember the day I summoned enough courage to use the test kit my boyfriend bought for me. By then I was feeling nauseous everyday and I was getting so bloated I couldn't fit into many of my clothes. My face looked plump and round my friends were teasing me how fat I was getting.

We were alone in the house, and I went to the toilet to use the test kit while my boyfriend studied for his exams in the next room. My heart stopped when I saw the 2 lines on the test kit window. I refused to believe the test kit. I could not believe that this would happen to me. And I had become a mother... and the whole of my 21 years of life I had followed rules, been a good girl... I was yet married, my mum was still very strict with me. One thing for sure, I could not keep the baby. My parents shall never know about it.

We went to a clinic for a second pregnancy test. I could not stop tearing while waiting for the results. When my number was finally called, I went in. The doctor said, "Congrats, you are indeed pregnant.".

It rained heavily on the way back. On the bus, we were both silent. I was talking to the baby silently, believing he/she will hear. "Baby baby... Mummy loves you... mummy and daddy love u... but..." I can't keep you.. I can't... Please forgive mummy and daddy...

I blamed myself for being so careless. I blamed myself for sacrificing a life in exchange for a peace of heart. Just before the surgical abortion took place, the nurse took me to a room. My sweetheart tried to follow but was asked to stay outside. Inside the room, the nurse asked me a series of questions, and that was too much for the emotional me. I started weeping when I answered the part about why I chose to terminate my pregnancy.

I knew nothing about what happened during the abortion. I remembered weeping while waiting for the doctor to come into the surgical theatre, I remembered the doctor patting my arm and someone putting a jab to me while I was still weeping, and then it was a dream... Of being together with my gang of friends, of having no exams to study for and no assignments to rush to finish, and of a beautiful Christmas... And then I opened my eyes to find myself lying on my side, with a pillow propped between my legs. The room spinned for quite sometime while I tried to understand what was happening. How did the surgery go? Or did it even happen? For I felt nothing, heard nothing...

The baby gave me a beautiful dream before he/she left...

And the next few days, my sweetheart and I spent many hours each day hugging each other, weeping for our lost child. It wasn't easy healing from this ordeal. Whatever pain I felt, my boyfriend felt it too, for he had waited outside the surgical theatre while I slept, and heard the vacuum sounds inside... We felt like murderers. We knew we would love the baby... but we also knew we would not be able to give the baby the best environment to grow up in at the state we were in...

7 weeks later, my life is now back to normal. I no longer think of my baby and tear when I see babies on the street. I will never tell anyone else about what had happened... For how will they judge me? Fears of pregnancy and abortion still haunts me. I will never want to go through it again.

Sue
February 9, 2007