KJ's Story
I've never been in love with the thought of having children

I am 25 going on 26. I am married and have been for 3 months, we've dated three years prior. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly about children. You see, I have had two abortions in past years.

The first was when I was 19. I was with a man that I had dated for five years. We loved each other. I got sick, very ill. I didn't know it, but I had cysts on my ovaries and they had ruptured. They put me in the hospital, it was there they told me I was pregnant. I was in panic, they had to sedate me. I thought I would die and god did I want to. I later called my boyfriend with my mother by my side the whole time. He made arrangements to abort the child. I didn't know. After I was let out of the hospital weeks later, he took me to the clinic. I was scared, I didn't know what to think. I did know I was relieved. I actually never really thought of it again. We broke off our relationship and year or so later, he was cheating.

I met My husband in college, my junior year. I was in a relationship with another who was abusive, to make a long story short, I think he saved my life. We, (my husband and I ) started dating after beginning as friends. I told him one night about what had happened to me. I needed to be honest with him. He was very understanding and made no effort to judge me in any way. Months later after we had been dating awhile, I was home between class. I had been feeling funny. I thought I might be pregnant. I took a test and there it was, two lines, not one like I had hoped. I freaked and called my best friend. I needed advise. She calmed me and reminded me that I needed to talk to my boyfriend.

I told him. We didn't know what to do. We told his family. We went to visit my family doctor and the hospital and had tests run. At the hospital we ran smack into my mother, wonderful. I had to tell her. She could tell I was freaking out underneath. We finally made a decision to abort. It was difficult to handle our family. I had been having trouble lots of pain, that's why we had been at the hospital. We told our family that I miscarried. It was for the best, for everyone.

Apparently while I was in recovery I was crying and telling my boyfriend that I killed our child. I don't remember. I woke up drugged, but satisfied with my decision. I haven't had any regrets with my decision since. Now we are married and we can talk freely about everything including our decision.

Herein lies my problem. I know there are a lot of women that struggle with their choices and than later their decisions. I don't. I feel badly for this. I also feel badly that I have no sensation in my body that yearns to have children. I see children as a strap, an annoyance. I even have friends that have children and I try to pretend to want them someday. I trapped because I'm a women and my body is supposed to bear fruit. I'm afraid if my husband and I have children I'll be doing it for him, but not because I want it. I don't want to resent him. The thing is, he knows how I feel. He says it doesn't matter we don't have to have children. I know he is lying. He thinks I'll change my mind, "I mean after all I'm a woman, I'm suppose to want children" right? I cannot remember a time I didn't pretend for someone that I wanted children.

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