Jess' Story

I just wanted to share my story. I just had my abortion a couple days ago and still feel great sadness. I feel in my heart it was the right choice but also with it could have happened at another time.

I am currently a senior in college. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and have been taking birth control the entire time. For the last few months I have been careless about taking the pill. I guess because I was so comfortable in the relationship. Anyway I ended up becoming pregnant. I didn't want to believe it at first but taking the pregnancy test confirmed what I knew the whole time.

I immediately knew I couldn't have a child. I was about to graduate from college and how could I possibly do that with a child. I also didn't want to disappoint my family and friends. I come from an area were girls get pregnant very young and I didn't want to become one of "them." I told my boyfriend this was the only option I felt I had. I asked him a million times if he was ok with this. He said he was going to support whatever choice I decided to make.

So that night I made my appointment. I just wanted it over with so I could move on. I never said anything to my family or friends. I spent a couple days trying to avoid them so they wouldn't suspect something was wrong. They wouldn't understand my choice and would think I was making all wrong decisions.

I just knew it wasn't the right time. I was unemployed and my boyfriend did not have a well paying job. I never wanted to bring a child into this world that I couldn't financially support. I also didn't feel I was emotionally ready. I am still in my selfish this is how things will be mode.

The day of my abortion went fast. Before I knew it I was sitting in a clinic waiting for the whole thing to be over with. There were 5 other women having the same thing done. I never once thought about my baby until the procedure was about to start. Even then I just had to tell myself this was the right thing. The procedure itself was fast but very painful, probably because I was so nervous. Then what I had been dreading was over so fast. I tried talking about it with my boyfriend the whole way home but he didn't want to talk about it.

He still is supporting my choice but feels grief over it as well. I still believe neither one of us was ready for a baby but I can't stop thinking that what I did was wrong. I can only tell myself that I saved my baby from a life of under privilege and regret. I know only time can heal my wounds. I still want to have children someday, but after I am out of college and have a steady job.

Reading the other stories on this site have helped me. I realize now that what I am going through affects alot of women. I know I will never do this again but for now it was the right choice. I just hope God blesses me with a child again. Maybe he will give this child a second chance.

Jess
November 2003