Jennifer's Story

I'm not proud to tell my story but there are no other ones about young married couples not being ready. I'm in an ideal situation to have a baby and I'm choosing to have an abortion. Here's my story...

My husband and I were married four months ago in Las Vegas. I'm twenty-two years old and he's thirty. I'm ten weeks pregnant. It was not planned... my husband already has twin daughters who just turned two. His ex refused to have an abortion. She seems pretty bitter about her decision. Raising twin toddlers just part time is pretty draining in itself. I always thought that it was pretty cut and dry. If you're unmarried its okay to have an abortion. If you're happily married...it's not even a consideration.

I never expected to become pregnant so soon though. When the doctor told me... I was in shock... even though I suspected. I asked him to give me a test. My period wasn't even late... I just knew. I smiled and acted overjoyed. As soon as I got in the car I started sobbing, I cried the whole drive home.

When I got home I pasted a big smile on my face and told my husband... he seemed overjoyed. I told my family and friends... they were overjoyed. I convinced myself that this was meant to be. Besides, it's the natural course of things. You get married and then you start a family. We started picking out names. Moodiness set in. I cried... I cried a lot. I stopped talking about being pregnant with a smile on my face. I hated it. I would lay in bed at night and pray for a miscarriage.

I felt so trapped. All I could think is that my life was over. I still don't understand. All the women I know are overjoyed to be pregnant. Other women actually love the idea of having a baby...why don't I? My husband and I started fighting. I hated him for trapping me. As selfish as that sounds...it's true. I know there's two of us...but I felt that it was my life that was already being completely changed... his would stay the same.

I felt that the burden would be all mine. I kept on thinking that if I would have known I was going to get pregnant so soon, I would have lived it up. I would have traveled more...partied more. After highschooI I threw myself into a full-time job and part-time school. All my spare time was wasted in serious relationships that never went anywhere. I felt that I missed out on so much. I was so depressed. My heart was not into having this baby at all.

I started considering abortion, but I had told the whole damn world I was pregnant. I told my husband that I didn't wasn't this baby and to my absolute shock... he agreed with me. He said that he knew that I was pretending to want this baby. He knew I wasn't happy. We hadn't even adjusted to being married... throwing an unwanted pregnancy on top of it was destroying our relationship. Not an ideal environment to bring a baby into.

After we actually made the decision, I felt more relieved than I have ever felt in my life. It's another chance at freedom. We made an appointment at a clinic...started talking about all the things we would plan to do now that we were child-free again. Join a softball league, learn how to play golf, travel more.

The appointment is for the day after tomorrow and to be honest I don't feel relieved anymore. I feel horrible. I guess either way you regret what you might be missing by making either choice. I don't know if I can even go through with it. I keep wondering if I'm going to miss out on something by not having this baby. It's a part of me and the man who I love. On one hand I don't want to be a mom yet. On the other, our reasons are entirely selfish. Mine especially. I still wasn't to be young. We have no excuse not to have this baby. What I feel right now is pure guilt.

What I would really like to hear is stories from a married woman who chose to not have an abortion and really regrets it. Who would admit that sort of thing though?

Thank you for letting me tell my story in an open-minded environment. I hope it helps somebody else in a similar situation realize that they are not the only one to agonize over this decision.

Jennifer
February 2002