Felicity's Story

I would like to share my story. I had an abortion five months ago. I was three months pregnant.

I'd been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and we had talked about marriage and children. I thought we were so mature. I was wrong and so stupid. We were careless about birth control. We thought that if he pulled out and only came inside of me at certain times of the month, we'd be okay.

I went to the doctor's office for flu-like symptoms. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was urinating a lot and having headaches. It didn't occur to me that my period was two weeks late. It never was very regular. But my doctor kept asking me about my period and asking me if I had other symptoms like nausea and increased appetite. I didn't at the time. She had me give her a urine sample and it still didn't occur to me, hey, this woman thinks I'm pregnant.

I waited in that waiting room for what felt like forever. When she came back, she said, "You're not sick. You're pregnant." Those words shocked me. I asked her if she was kidding and when she said that she wasn't, I started weeping. I walked to the waiting room and told my boyfriend who was waiting patiently for me. He, too, was shocked.

We didn't make a decision for a couple of weeks. I decided for a several days that I was going to keep the baby. We started to think of names and went to a book store to read about parenting. We were excited but scared. My mom accepted the fact and it was time to tell my dad. My dad flipped out. He told me I was stupid and irresponsible. He told me he would never give me a cent of money for the rest of my life if I chose to have it. He told me I had just thrown away my college money along with the rest of my life. He wouldn't look me in the eye and told me that thinking about keeping the baby was ridiculous. It didn't help that his girlfriend admitted to me that she had an abortion and how easy of a decision it was for her. She only reinforced my dad's pigheaded thoughts.

The only person that seemed to understand was my boyfriend. But how would we afford it? Would I be able to finish school if my father refused to pay for it?

I can't explain how I arrived at the decision to have an abortion. I became numb to the whole situation. I just wanted my stress to be over. I wanted my father to love me. I ignored the feelings I had in my heart and thought with my head. I had my mom make an appointment to get an abortion. My mom went with me to the clinic. Before the surgery, the nurses were nice but very cold. They told me what was going to happen but I didn't watch their small presentation of what was going to happen. I didn't want to think about it.

Before the surgery, the nurse gave me a prescription for birth control which I think was very insensitive. She sent me into a room and I got undressed. I laid down and a male doctor and a nurse came in. I hated them immediately and decided I couldn't be nice to them. The nurse injected me with a narcotic to make me more "comfortable." I was also given laughing gas. It felt like I was in and out of consciousness throughout the surgery that took only several minutes. It was the most painful thing I've endured. I wish it had been painless for me the way it is for those girls that say they didn't feel a thing. I was screaming and yelling at them to stop. The sound of the vacuum was unbearable. When they were done, they ran out of the room. They didn't console me. I laid there crying. The drug they gave me really messed me up. I sat up and there was thick blood in between my legs and I flipped out. I was crying hysterically and finally, a nurse came in. I asked her to get my Mom and she told me I had a three minutes to recuperate. Three minutes to clean myself up and gather my thoughts! My Mom came in and I was just laying there. We cried together and she was very angry at the doctor and nurses for being so cold. I got up and we drove home. They failed to tell me that I was going to feel nauseous.

When I had to go back for my check up, being there gave me the creeps. The doctor came in after just performing an abortion and he had clots of blood on his shirt. He examined me and said, "The abortion was successful!" I will never go back there. I am dealing right now with many feelings of loss, emptiness, and shame. I think I am depressed. My relationship with my father is weaker. I lost some friends who developed a different opinion of me after they found out what I had done.

My boyfriend and I never talked very much about my decision. I didn't listen to what he wanted and I feel guilty. He wanted me to have it. He won't tell me how badly he wanted me to though because he doesn't want me to feel any worse than I already do. Someday, we will have children and I am convinced that the baby I let go will return to me. Someday, it will be her time.

A friend of mine who is older and wiser than me gave me advice when I first learned of my pregnancy. She said, "Don't have an abortion if YOU don't want to. If you do, it will be hard to live with yourself." I wish I had listened to her. I wish I felt as positive about my decision as so many other women who have shared their personal stories do.

Thank you for letting me share my story. It feels good to share my experience. Abortion isn't a simple alternative for everyone.

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