Etta's Story

While I was waiting in my doctors office, waiting to find out why I was feeling so sick, I emailed my mom and said, "I over heard the nurse talking, I might be f*cking pregnant!!" I never thought I would say these words...EVER.
 
 The nurse came out smiling and said, "The test is positive!" I remember thinking, "meaning what?" All my friends had kids after they moved away or dropped off the radar and then had kids. I don't know too much about being pregnant or having kids. The nurse made it more clear for me, "you're pregnant!" I immediately started crying and told her I needed to step outside.
 
 I called my mom first then my fiancee. As soon as the nurse had said that I was pregnant I know the choice we were going to have to make. It wasn't even a consideration of keeping this baby.

I'm not a cold hearted person or anything but I knew about making sacrifices in life. I had done many in my life. I remember thinking nine months, my wedding is set for... well exactly nine months. I would be huge and pregnant. My friends are traveling far to come to my wedding, how would I be able to show them around my town right after giving birth?? Is that selfish and conceited?? Well what about my diabetes?? It is out of control!! I wouldn't want to have a child and know it could possibly be born with birth defects because I cant take care of myself. I'm only 23 and can barely take care of myself let alone a child. Before my fiancee and I had even talked all this stuff over, I knew deep down that I wasn't ready to have a child and this just reconfirmed that more.
 
Within a few days I met with a doctor to discuss having an abortion. At that time I was only about five weeks along. The doctor said that we should wait a little longer before having the procedure, just to make sure they don't miss it or anything. The next week I had my pre-op and the following Monday I had the procedure done. My mom had been out of town during the week of my procedure and I remember thinking, I'm so upset and wish my mom was here, here to help me have an abortion. How is it that I was so upset that my mom wasn't here to take care of me, I could have been a mom. And maybe twenty years down the road been doing the exact same thing. That was a scary thought.
 
Right before I was put under anesthetic I was freaking out. Actually, from when they took me out of the waiting area and I had to say goodbye to my fiancee I was scared, but only scared for me. Scared that something bad would happen and I would die. Not scared for this child that I was "getting rid of". Am I really that selfish!!??
 
They wheeled me into the operating room, awake, and I saw all the tools and instruments. I really started to panic. I moved onto the operating table and went to sleep. I woke up in recovery thinking, "that's it? did they do it right? that was so fast!" It was done. Now I would just have to take it easy at home. 
 
Its been three days since I had the procedure done. My body feels fine, my emotions are fine. I haven't cried, I had done all my crying for three weeks. I really don't feel horrible like I thought I would. I keep asking myself... Am I really that selfish?? I don't need to keep re-affirming why I made the choice I did. I made MY choice and had my loved ones right by my side. My doctor and the hospital staff were great!! I couldn't have asked for things to have gone better given the situation.
 
The only advice I can offer, for any decision in life is, trust your instincts. No matter what happens the first thought you have in any situation is going to be the right choice. I hope by sharing my story that it will help someone in a similar situation.

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