Deseray Lynn's Story

I can't believe the mess I got myself into...

Well I am 26 years old and this is my second pregnancy, my first one was six years ago using a condom (which got stuck in me) and I terminated the pregnancy. Now I get pregnant the same way again after just getting off birth control pills the month before.

It all started with me ending a long term (5 year) relationship and getting off the pill two months later because I didn't see my ex and me getting back together any time soon. Then I started dating an old high school friend and we didn't waste time with waiting to have sex. I found out I was pregnant a month later and decided to have a pregnancy without even having to think twice about it. The father wasn't too thrilled about my decision but supported me either way.

Well I lived in NYC and the father lived in RI and while I was in RI I had painful cramps and bleeding and had to go to the ER and when they did the ultrasound I saw the baby and decided to keep it. I was ok and so was the baby. I then decided with pressure from my mom to move to RI and stay with her so I can prepare for my new life. At first I was excited but I was sad as well because I was giving up my apartment, friends, social life, city life, and job to come live in a state that I never liked to live in (I lived in RI for five years when I was a teenager). But I just pushed on and tried to make the best of it.

Meanwhile, I kept in touch with my ex never telling him that I was pregnant because I knew that he would be disappointed in me and hurt. Then things started to hit the fan with my boyfriend and he became possessive of me, jealous, disrespectful, and just showed a whole other side than what I saw before. Now I wasn't exactly the best person to be around either because I fell into depression after a while. So I decided to have an abortion. I am thirteen weeks and will be fourteen when I have it. I would have it sooner but because I am starting my second trimester it costs a lot more so I had to save up for it.

I haven't told the father of my decision and probably won't. I have been having a lot of problems with this pregnancy so I am thinking of telling him I had a miscarriage. I am no longer with the father of the baby. I left him because I feel that he was a rebound. Not only that but we are two worlds different from each other. He is a good man but I am too independent and mature to put up with his foolish ways. I know the decision for me not have the baby is selfish but I make no apologies for it. I feel a big relief in the decision I have made because now I know that I will be able to focus on getting myself together and not drag an innocent child into a bad situation. My mother is upset over this decision but I told her that I feel content in my heart with my choice and not to sound cold but will have even a bigger relief once it is all over.

I can't believe the mess I got myself into with getting into a relationship so soon, deciding to have a baby and play "house", and drop everything that I worked so hard for. Now I have to pick up the pieces and start all over again. I don't mind doing it because my life decisions will be a reflection onto me only. I never wanted to have children but now I do know that the one good thing that came out of this whole crazy situation is that I KNOW I would like to have a child one day when I am in a stable relationship, have my own place, and a good stable job. That is not too much to ask. I was once there and I WILL BE THERE AGAIN!

I wish you good fortune and a clean conscience and strong mind of whatever decision you make.

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