Celeste's Story

My story is a little different to the rest... but of similar too in that I made the difficult choice to end my pregnancy. I always wanted to have children, but found myself at 39 single and childless. I always found sex painful because of endometriosis, which remained undiagnosed for years.

I only found out I had it when I went for a general check up at a fertility clinic. At 39 I wanted to know if I was fertile and how long I had to have children, so I could maybe move on from this desire to be a mother. I have two disabled siblings and have always thought I should never have children. But deep down my maternal instinct was very strong.

The doctor gave me the bad news about the endometriosis and how this would make it difficult for me to conceive. I had surgery which really improved my quality of life. My illness was severe and I was in denial about how much it was affecting me and my relationships with men. The doctor said that the surgery would make it a bit easier to have children. Problem is I had no one to try with.

I was looking for a relationship, but had not being able to get it right... making bad choices. I was set on giving myself one last chance to find someone to have children with.

I dated so many men, I even put up a profile on a dating site, clearly stating that my dream was to start a family one day. A man who responded told me on the first date that he would father a child with me if I wanted to. I was instantly suspicious but we had great chemistry. I made sure I had protected sex with him for a few months at least. For the first time in my life sex was amazing - no pain. I was so happy to enjoy sex but I wasn't comfortable with the casual nature of the relationship. He wasn’t offering me anything else.

But I hit 40 and I started to feel increasingly desperate that I would never have a child. My only other option at that stage was an anonymous sperm donor, and I could not bring myself to do that. All the warning signs were there that he was not a suitable father for my child. But I was emotionally unstable and not thinking clearly.

He already had 2 children that he hardly saw, his ex had a restraining order out against him and he was violent. And he had a depressive personality. But I ignored my gut instinct and had unprotected sex with him with the hope of getting pregnant. He said he would help me get pregnant but wanted no responsibility in raising the child, just that he felt sorry for me, and wanted to help me.

He told me he had done an STD check and everything was clear. I didn’t believe him but decided to trust him anyway. I didn't get pregnant but I did get chlamydia. He had lied. He was very apologetic and had an STD check for everything to put my mind at ease. This should have been my next alarm bell to go.

We both had treatment... and since the STD check was clear, I decided to have unprotected sex with him again in the hope of having this longed for baby. I remember turning up to his house and crying before the sex... being so anxious about having sex again. It was such a desperate act but in retrospect a very human one.

After I left I cried all the way home, (he never wanted me sleeping over). I felt so awful about what I had done, how irresponsible I had been. It never occurred to me that I may actually be pregnant, to maybe get the morning after pill.... and I still wanted a baby so badly... I was really confused, really hurt, very ashamed... what was I thinking? I consoled myself the the odds of me falling pregnant were very slim.

I did become pregnant. Found out at about 5 weeks. I was initially shocked and but excited, my longed for baby. He told me it was a miracle over the phone, but I never saw him again.

The joy quickly turned to depression and major anxiety... about what I had done. How selfish I was.

What kind of mother would bring a child into the world like this? But I looked around me and saw many examples of single mothers who had good jobs and lots of support. I thought since I wanted this that I needed to go through with it.

As I said before the father and I had an agreement that he would not be involved much. He was happy for me, but also a little shocked and scared... I don’t think he thought I would fall pregnant so easily either. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through life as a single mother... to really think about it. I don’t blame him for all of this... I had a big part to play in this.

As the weeks went by... I felt more and more alone, so depressed... I told a few people close to me. But I knew in my heart that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. He had a family history of intellectual disabilities in his family and so did I. What had I done???? I felt something awful would happen to the child, that it would be born sick.

I cried so much. I realized that if I died that there would not be anyone to take care of my child... I had not even thought about what it meant to raise a child, I was so obsessed with getting pregnant. I never thought to check his family history or how I would cope with a disabled child, or any child.

In the meantime... I realized the father was suicidal. He told me that he has almost killed himself a few weeks before. What kind of situation would I bring my child into? I was so torn so sad... so lost. Around week 7 I began to see a counselor who forced me to really look at what I had done... to keep on examining the pros and cons of continuing with pregnancy.

I knew that I needed to end the pregnancy, I would wake up each day hoping that I’d had a miscarriage so that I would not have to make this painful choice.

I still feel so sad thinking about it, so much grief and hurt and guilt but also so much relief that I decided to abort. I did so after many tears at around 10 and half weeks.

It was the saddest decision I’ve ever had to make... but I did feel relieved that ultimately this was the best thing to do.

I wrote to my baby to beg for forgiveness. It was truly like a big dream in me had died...

I am still grieving. It still hurts a lot, but I knew that this wasn’t as planned a pregnancy as I thought it was.

My baby deserves better,I am forgiving myself for being very human and making a very human mistake.

We all need to be kind to ourselves no matter how hard it is.

This was the right decision for this pregnancy but also a very painful one.

Celeste
2011