Bronwyn's Story

Thank you thank you for this website. I never thought I would have to go through this. I never thought I would ever be pregnant, let alone have a kid. Now, I'm pregnant and now I know I want a child. But not yet & not now.

My reasons for terminating my pregnancy are mostly selfish. My reason for getting pregnant in the first place is out of carelessness. After four years of unprotected sex with the same sweet man, I think I got too cocky (pardon the pun) and we did it during the middle of the month.

Normally, we have sex right before, during and right after my period. In between, he sometimes uses a condom, or we wait and just play without penetration (which I understand can be dangerous, but I know it's penetration that did it to me).

I can't say that I'm devoid of guilt, shame, sadness, confusion. I've been feeling only despondent and never more like a woman than now. How can I terminate this? Its like we're in the process of making a life. But I just can't have a baby yet.

My philosophy about having a child is so strong. I believe too many people, way way too many, have kids without even knowing themselves, without even looking carefully at their own lives and patterns and pains, and without fulfilling their own dreams before staving it off for a child.

Why are there so many screwed up kids in this world? Children are the only humans who are underrepresented and I can't see myself being the kind of parent, the only person who will represent my kid, I want to be yet. I'm too ignorant and still seeking my own life. So is my boyfriend. We plan to marry, buy a house, go to Paris, get more established in our careers, learn more about life and ourselves as individuals and as a couple.

Call it selfish, call it immoral, but I'm doing this because I think it's right. I just don't think I'm ready. Even though in all appearances, I could support a child.

Thanks again.

Bronwyn
May 1998