Betty's Story

I am almost 41 & am pregnant. I always thought I could not have children after all these years. I was pregnant last year & miscarried at 10 weeks. I struggled with a decision that time & decided to keep it for fear of going through an abortion. I had scheduled an abortion & canceled it. Ironically, I started spotting on the very day my abortion had been scheduled. My fetus had died & I later miscarried it.

Unfortunately, here I am in the same boat I never wanted to ride in again. Only now I'm even older, which scares me more. I'm only about 3 weeks along & have already called Planned Parenthood. Still unsure of what to do because I keep reading facts & stories that are scaring me out of my wits.

My boyfriend is supportive, thank goodness. We split after my miscarriage last year, but recently got back together. I dated someone else after we were apart for a while & unfortunately slept with him 2 weeks before getting back with my ex, so there is a small doubt that it might be his instead. That bothers me, too.

Somedays I feel like such an idiot for a 40 year old intelligent woman. I am mentally exhausted & can barely function through my days. I am totally consumed by my thoughts of abortions & how a baby would change my life entirely at mid-life. Damn, I am so confused and full of questions.

Did God send another baby to me because he wants me to be a mother before I die? Would I resent the complications it would bring into a life that I'm so desperately trying to simplify at this age?
Could I handle it ---- yes ------ but could I handle it well?
Should I have a baby just because I'm too chicken to have an abortion?

The thoughts are endless & I'm having panic attacks.
I just want to wake up tomorrow cramping & bleeding. The choice will be made without me doing it.

Any comments and comfort would be deeply appreciated. I'm going to Planned Parenthood in 2 days for my initial appt.

Thanks & good luck to all.

Betty
8 July 2003