Arnetta's Story

My only experience with pregnancy was both a wonderful and frightful feeling.

The symptoms were all there except for the fact that it was not time for my period to occur. I began feeling really tired and found myself stopping to eat much more than I did before. There was also this constant tiring feeling. I frequently told my boyfriend about how sick I felt, in details, hoping he would come up with some other reason other than I was pregnant since I was not sure if this was something that I was willing to accept.

Finally, when I realized that my period was three days late and I was feeling more drained than usual, I blurted out to my boyfriend during an argument that I was pregnant without being sure myself. It was then that I went to the pharmacy and got the test that proved to be positive. A wave of mixed emotions flew over me, I was happy, scared and shocked but most of all doubtful. After telling my boyfriend I confirmed the results with a lab test the following day.

I fell in love with my baby almost immediately. Right away I knew that this baby would be a wonderful little girl. I was afraid of the pain of childbirth and failing at parenthood but I knew I would be very proud to have this baby. Everyday I caressed my slightly bulging stomach and talked to my baby. The world suddenly revolved around this precious little baby girl. Then I got really scared.

Working in a chemical plant was definitely, if not already, going to have an effect on my baby's health. I would have to stop working throughout my entire pregnancy and I had major bills to foot with a savings to help me along. That's when the tears came. I could not believe that I would have to give up my baby because of my financial obligations. It tore me apart. I spoke to my mom, my boyfriend and some close friends about it. I felt trapped. I sought out the advice of my personnel department but to no avail. I finally realized I would have to give up my baby, my bills were too large for even my boyfriend to handle without me and I could not risk my babies health.

I had nightmares and lots of depressive moods because of the decision that I had arrived at. I got even more sick. I still loved and wanted my baby. I prayed for a way to keep my baby. I finally had the abortion and experienced a terrible loss. I've kept journals of my thoughts during this time hoping that this would help speed up my healing process. Everything triggers memories of my baby. I keep referring to her as though I had given birth to her but she went away.

I have learnt to be safer where sex is concerned and the things that I thought were really important before somehow now seems of minimal importance. I never realized during this process what a huge impact this would have on my boyfriend but surprisingly enough he suffers just as much as I do. At times he is really angry with me but he tries hard to work through it. I know that this experience have changed my life forever.

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