Journey

A surprise
To me
Early on
After
Meeting Charlie
No choice
At all
Instantly loved
The part
Of me
Growing
Day by day
An experience
Like no
Other
Fascinated
By the prospect
Of
Being called
Mom
Read up
On everything
I could
Asked questions
Endlessly
Scared yet
Exuberant
Months
Turned to weeks
And then days
A due date
Came and
Gone
Tired eyes
Sore body
An ache
Across
My back
Into the hospital
Out the doors
In again
Out the doors
Frustration mounts
Doubled over
Hurting
Curled in a ball
On my
Couch
Asked to
Go in
No
Asked to
Go in
No
Calls placed
Packed bags
Loaded
Dilated at
One
Pain
Intensifies
Family arrives
Medication given
No longer
Sure of anything
Faces come
And go
Voices near
And far
Doctor says
It's time
Push
Push
Push
Oh god I am pushing
Family out
In front
Up and down
Up and down
Push
Push
Push
They see a head
Never coming out
I think
Never
Never
Never
Not strong
I am not
Strong at all
Harder I push
And there
I see
My baby
I hear
Charlie
Say
It's a girl
A girl!
We got our girl
Cord cut
Baby blue
No crying
Why no crying?
The room cleared
Mom-
Mom, why isn't the baby crying?
Sometimes babies don't cry
Mom says
I don't believe her
Babies cry
Healthy babies cry
Charlie's mom
Is there
Charlie is crying
I can't move
I can't help Charlie
I don't want Charlie
To cry anymore
The baby
Is surrounded by people
Faces white
Can't be good
I feel out of it
Not in control
Very tired
My doctor
Comes back
To me
Says not
A word
Stitches me
Up
I lay there
Not knowing
Not understanding
What has
Happened
Not knowing
Then that
I never will
Telling me
She was not
Breathing at birth
That they
Aren't equipped
To handle
Such a
Situation
She has
To be
Airlifted
To Duluth
A wheelchair
Takes me
To the
Nursery
To see
My sweet baby
The windows
Are filled
With
Family and friends
Later they
Bring her
By my room
So we can
See her
Before they
Take her up
We let
Them take
Her until
We can
Be with
Her again

-Jessica Torgerson
January 2003

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