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A
Letter From My Unborn ChildI
am your worst fear. I was made out of your carelessness, your fleeing feelings
as he held you. And you were filled with my life and you knew at that instant
that I was inside of you. I clung to your womb but you said nothing and
no one could see. I was there, hidden, covered by your skin. And you forgot, you
did, you let yourself believe that I was merely a thought, just paranoia inside
your head. But you couldn't ignore me forever. I took over your body and
with every breath you took, you could feel my presence. So you lashed out at him
because you felt angry. Sad. Unsure. But he couldn't see me, he didn't know. You
held the secret of my residence until the night the tears came. And he wouldn't
let you leave. Not until you spoke and you finally broke down. You told
him our secret that I was living, breathing, and feeding off the little strength
you had left. You feared me then, because you loved me still. You were excited
at the thought of me even though I brought you such despair. I made you sick.
You couldn't eat except what I craved. Yet you wanted me. You wanted things
to be different so you could hold on to me forever. But you couldn't. So young.
You couldn't see yourself beside me. You prayed for strength. You prayed for my
soul and yours as well. But the day soon came when you made your choice.
You held me, pressing your arms across your stomach. You talked to me and you
talked to the sky, praying for a God you weren't certain existed to hear you,
to help us on our way. You chose to let go of me. I left your body and you were
empty. I watched you even after I left the warm comfort of your womb. I
watched you sleep and you held me in your arms as you dreamed. You wrote me poems.
You spoke of your love and your loss and the softness of my skin. Because you
will never forget. You still feel my absence within your belly. Hot tears still
burn your face whenever you think of me. You love me, though I am gone from you
forever. But I forgive you. I forgive you f or stealing the life from my
body. I forgive you for not thinking of me before I came to be. I forgive you
for making the only choice that you could see. Because my eyes are still pure,
though I cease to exist in the human world. I am a reminder to you of the innocence
that you lost when I came into your life. I keep you away from the path that led
you to the place where I was conceived. And when you smile, I am not vengeful.
When you smile, I live for a moment inside you, once more. ~Ellen
Thu, 26 Oct 2000
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"Freedom
is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err."
- Mahatma
Gandhi
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