A Letter From My Unborn Child

I am your worst fear. I was made out of your carelessness, your fleeing feelings as he held you. And you were filled with my life and you knew at that instant that I was inside of you.

I clung to your womb but you said nothing and no one could see. I was there, hidden, covered by your skin. And you forgot, you did, you let yourself believe that I was merely a thought, just paranoia inside your head. But you couldn't ignore me forever.

I took over your body and with every breath you took, you could feel my presence. So you lashed out at him because you felt angry. Sad. Unsure. But he couldn't see me, he didn't know. You held the secret of my residence until the night the tears came. And he wouldn't let you leave. Not until you spoke and you finally broke down.

You told him our secret that I was living, breathing, and feeding off the little strength you had left. You feared me then, because you loved me still. You were excited at the thought of me even though I brought you such despair. I made you sick. You couldn't eat except what I craved.

Yet you wanted me. You wanted things to be different so you could hold on to me forever. But you couldn't. So young. You couldn't see yourself beside me. You prayed for strength. You prayed for my soul and yours as well.

But the day soon came when you made your choice. You held me, pressing your arms across your stomach. You talked to me and you talked to the sky, praying for a God you weren't certain existed to hear you, to help us on our way. You chose to let go of me. I left your body and you were empty.

I watched you even after I left the warm comfort of your womb. I watched you sleep and you held me in your arms as you dreamed. You wrote me poems. You spoke of your love and your loss and the softness of my skin. Because you will never forget. You still feel my absence within your belly. Hot tears still burn your face whenever you think of me. You love me, though I am gone from you forever.

But I forgive you. I forgive you f or stealing the life from my body. I forgive you for not thinking of me before I came to be. I forgive you for making the only choice that you could see. Because my eyes are still pure, though I cease to exist in the human world. I am a reminder to you of the innocence that you lost when I came into your life. I keep you away from the path that led you to the place where I was conceived.

And when you smile, I am not vengeful. When you smile, I live for a moment inside you, once more.

Thu, 26 Oct 2000


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