Yvonne's Story

My name is Yvonne and this is my story:
I am a 35 year old mother of an 18 year old college freshman and a 16 year old Junior in high school.  My husband of 19 years has been looking forward to this time in our lives for some time now.  Yet, although my itch for another baby developed 3 years ago, I recently decided that having another baby, bottles and diapers wasn't something I wanted anymore either.  Then I got pregnant.
I knew as soon as the condom broke that I was going to get pregnant.  But, I didn't believe it.  I was so positive that it couldn't happen that I even missed an appointment at Planned Parenthood 3 days later for the "Day After" pill...  In 19 years, a condom had never failed us, but when my period didn't arrive as planned, I knew for sure this time it had. 
I bought a prenancy test and it immediately showed me a positive result.  I looked at my husband and told him the result.  He didn't even bat an eye before he said, "you can't have it."  I immediately became defensive and thought, "What?  What did I just hear you say?  Excuse me, but I do believe this is MY body, not yours!  Is it you who will lay there and have them scrape your insides out like a pumpkin on Halloween?  No!  So who are you to impose your wants on my body?"
Even though I was angry with his response, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe he was just in shock.  I wanted him to look at me and say, "I know we didn't want any more children, but whatever you decide is fine with me."  I wanted some support, some fairness, some equality and some sense of understanding.  But, he only thought of himself and how this was going to affect him.  He didn't think of how the torment of making this decision was affecting me.  I was torn and although I had decided not to have any more children, here I was with a baby growing inside of me.  I tried to talk to my husband about it, going as far as telling him I was actually considering keeping the baby.  He looked at me and said, "If that's what you want."  I said I was afraid of the depression some women experience after an abortion and he replied, "You'll get over it later."   No support...
I tried to talk to him, tried to get him to share this experience with me, but he never came around.  Any conversation about naming the baby, where the child will sleep, etc., only got responses like, "'If you want, 'We'll see,' 'Okay'."  I  felt completely alone.  He gave me no support and would not share his feelings.  That's when I made my appoinment with Planned Parenthood.
The appointment was scheduled two weeks in advance.  I thought I would use this time to be sure this is what I wanted.  I still tried to get my husband to come around and when he didn't, I decided he did not earn the right to be a part of my decision.  He showed absolutely no interest in anything that had to do with this pregnancy and gave me no support.  In my opinion, he was only getting what he wanted if he went with me and that's not what I needed on that day, Saturday, October 1, 2005.
My children were very supportive and we spoke openly about the pros and cons of the pregnancy, my health, the baby's health, etc.  They supported my decision either way and my daughter even accompanied me to the appointment.  She said she felt she should to be there for me.  I have great kids...
I thought I was okay when I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy and that the torment was over.  But little did I know that this was just the beginning.  I cried when I arrived at Planned Parenthood, I cried in the middle of the procedure and at the end.  I prayed for God to forgive me.  I asked those I loved and had passed on to stay by my side and then I prayed some more. 
I didn't tell my husband until that Monday about what I had done.  His reponse was shock, tears and anger.  He was angry that I didn't consult him.  Disappointed and hurt that I had "lost" the baby.  He now shared that he had been looking forward to becoming a father again.  He had accepted and visualized what it would be like to get up in the middle of the night, change diapers and hold a baby.  I asked him why he hadn't shared this with me beforehand and he said he didn't know.  My husband grieved and cried and asked me how I was feeling; said he wished he would have been there for me, etc.  I told him I had wished for the same, but he never did.  I shared how I felt alone, that I was his wife, not his girlfriend who he "knocked up" and that I was hurt.  We grieved for different reasons that night.
It has been a week since I had my abortion.  An ultra sound revealed the pregnancy was exactly 7 weeks and 5 days along.  My marriage is suffering and so am I.  My husband is trying to be there for me, but it doesn't matter because I am still hurt and angry.  It's just too little, too late. 
I don't regret my decision at all.   

March 2007

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