This wasnt suppose to happen to
me! I was only 16. Sure, it can happen to every other girl in my school, but I
was different from them. My parents are happily married and wealthy, Im
on the tennis and golf team, and I just got a new car. Those girls at school are
just opposite of me! I have to worry about whether I should attend Duke or Brown,
not if I should keep my baby or have an abortion.
I met my boyfriend in
January. He attends a local college and hes the captain of the tennis team.
I was single at the time (actually, I was just getting over a harsh break-up)
I wanted to find a prom date that would make my ex wish he had never broken up
with me. Prom was in April and my best friend thought this guy would be perfect
for me. I met him on a blind date that my friend had set up for us. He was so
cute, funny and charming!
After we had went on a few dates, he told me
that he had a little boy that was two. I was shocked at first, but in a way found
it kinda sexy. I thought that he was very mature and it was so cute how his little
boy would call him daddy. I didnt tell my parents (of course). My mom was
just starting to like him. My dad was still skeptical of him. Within a month we
were having sex. I hadnt really planned to go steady with this guy, after
all I just wanted a prom date. I knew better, my older friend had told me to wait
a least 6 months before having sex with a guy, my parents told me not before I
was married, my church said the same, but I went against everything I was taught.
It felt so good to have someone be so close to you. He told me he was falling
in love with me and I think I was too.
Its so weird, one night we
were lying in bed and had a strange conversation about me getting pregnant. I
told him how awful that would be, for one thing my parents didnt even know
I knew how to kiss. He told me how beautiful of a baby wed have and I agreed.
The conversation ended with a knock on wood and if I ever did get pregnant Id
have an abortion.
Prom night (April 30th) came and my ex boyfriends
mouth dropped open when he saw me with my new guy. It was a great feeling. I lied
to my parents and told them I was spending the night at a girlfriends house and
would be home the next day at 9am. After prom my boyfriend and I went to a hotel
a stayed the night. It was great! We cuddled and talked about our future together.
Plus had some pretty good sex.
The next morning we over slept. I didnt
get home till 10:30 am and by that time my mom and dad had called everyone in
town and found out what I had done. I was grounded for three weeks and couldnt
see my boyfriend again. I was crushed! I secretly called my boyfriend and we planned
how we could sneak around and see each other.
In the first week of the month
I usually get my period, but this month I didnt. I really didnt worry,
I told myself it was stress from getting caught and from my final exams at school.
On the 14th of May I bought a pregnancy test. I told myself I would take it just
to prove I wasnt. I had kinda hinted with my boyfriend that I thought I
was, but he reassured me there was no way I could be. The test was positive. I
was pregnant!! I called my boyfriend and told him. He was shocked and told me
not to tell my parents. He was going out of town that weekend, so I would have
to make the arrangements myself.
I called an abortion clinic the next morning
(after a sleepless night) to find that because I was under age my parents would
have to sign a consent form. As soon as I hung up I went outside to the garden
where my mother was. I asked her to come inside because I had to tell her something.
She came in and sat on the couch and I began to cry. I told her everything. She
had no reaction, she just sat there. I think that made me feel even worse. She
got up and started calling clinics to make an apt. for me to have and abortion.
I didnt talk to her the rest of the day. The next morning she told my father
and he pulled me outside and started yelling at me. I felt awful! That night I
was going to kill myself. I felt so alone and knew that I couldnt live like
this. My parents were going to ground me the summer before my Senior year and
in just a week I would turn 17 (May 23). Ive never cried so hard, in fact
I passed out and didnt wake up until morning. I think God played a part
The following week My dad didnt talk to me, mom made an apt.
for Tues. the 25th , and I had to go to school pretending I was perfect. During
the week, Mom made sure to throw in comments such as, "I wish I had a perfect
daughter" and "youre the one who did this to yourself, so stop
crying". It just made me feel even worse. My mom told me I couldnt
tell anyone of this because we were a highly respected family in our community.
I threw-up during a math test during the week and was so embarrassed. I
talked to my boyfriend about everything and he was very supportive. Sunday my
mom bought me a cake and that was all the celebration I got for my 17th birthday.
Monday night I couldnt sleep. I didnt feel like I was pregnant,
sure I was fatigued, but I couldnt come to terms with the facts. I decided
that I would name my baby Emma May. I prayed that I would be forgiven for what
I had done and what I was about to do. I knew that if my little Emma had a soul,
she would go to heaven and maybe one day I would be with her.
came and I had to get up very early in order to drive the 3 hrs it would take
to get to the clinic. When I got there I saw about two other girls walk in with
there parents and I didnt feel as alone. I filled out a bunch of paper work
and waited quietly with my mother who was just about in tears. I was called into
the lab to get my finger pricked and the lady was very nice! I started to feel
more comfortable there. My mom was then called in to the business part to sign
forms and to pay (she took the money out of my college account.) She then went
back to the waiting room and I was sent into another waiting room with about ten
other girls. We all sat in there without saying a word and then one by one we
started sharing emotions. I felt so much better knowing that they felt the same
way I did and that it wasnt going to be that bad after all.
one we were called into a private room to get an ultra sound done. I found out
the I was 6wks. and 3 days pregnant. The lady had the monitor turned away from
me, I guess so I wouldnt have second thoughts, but I asked if I could see
my baby. She looked surprised, but turned the monitor around and pointed to a
tiny white line and said its less than an inch long. It didnt look
at all like what I had seen in the pictures. I went back to the waiting room with
the other girls. We shared the new information of how far along we were and I
just about started to cry. Another woman came in and handed us all papers to read
and sign about risks and stuff.
After that the nurses called patients in
the rooms. I went into my room where I was told to take of my pants and shoes
and place them in a wheel chair and to take my panties and put them on the counter.
The nurse told me to hop up in the stirrups. Ive never been to a gynecologist,
so it was very weird to be in that position. After about ten minutes a doctor
and nurse came in. The doctor shoved two gloved fingers inside of me "trying
to locate my uterus" it felt funny. This nurse wasnt as friendly as
the others had been. She gave me the twilight sedation shot and the
only thing I remembered was the light being turned on, the bed being raised and
me saying "ouch" once.
I woke up in a room of girls in blue recliner
chairs and realized I was in one too. A nurse gave me some medication and helped
me to the bathroom. I dont remember how I got to the room or how my underwear
was back on me, but I was too out of it to ask any questions. I put my pants and
shoes back on and the nurse escorted me to the front waiting room where my mom
was. Once I got to our car I threw-up and went to sleep. I kinda remember telling
my mom things that I had really not planned to tell her. Such as how far along
I was and what I named my baby. I vaguely recall her telling me that she got a
manicure while I was in the clinic and that I didnt know the gender of my
baby and I should just forget about it. I really dont remember the rest
of the day.
Wednesday I woke up late in the after noon and my mom told me
I had a tennis lesson that I couldnt miss. I called my boyfriend and told
him everything. He made me feel a lot better by telling me how much he cares for
me and how hell find a way to be with me. I know Im na´ve, but I just
needed someone to hang onto.
Now its May 29th and My dad just started
talking to me. Mom pretends like nothing happened and Im still bleeding.
I cry every night and talk to my unborn babys soul. I know it sounds morbid,
but it makes me feel better. I have to go to a tennis camp next week for four
weeks and then I go back for my check-up. I hope I get to talk to a counselor
because I feel like someone should hear me.
Writing this has lifted a heavy
weight off of my heart. Maybe, for those of you who took the time to read this,
will understand a little bit more of the emotional pain and the process of an
abortion. I dont regret doing it. I knew I couldnt go to school pregnant
and I knew Im to selfish to give myself/my life up. It was the best thing
for me to do, but its the worst thing Ill ever go through.T.H.
28 May 1999
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1999 already; a woman should certainly be able to have a career, sex, or a baby
at 22, 32, or 42 (or never) without female pundits taking her down, telling her
she should keep her legs crossed and her ambitions at home."
Magazine, Aug. 1999