Star's Story

I had an abortion last Friday, 6 days ago.

When I first found out, I was with my best friend, Jen (who is 6 months pregnant) and my boyfriend of a year, Jay.

I had been having small symptoms, but pushed the idea of being pregnant out of my head, not telling anyone and deciding to wait yet another week for my period before stressing. Jen saw me at work one morning eating saltines since I couldn't keep my stomach to feel calm at all. Later that night Jen came over and brought a test she got from the birthing center she goes to. Jay was there, and till then he had no idea what I had been suspecting.

The test, obviously, came out positive. Jen started crying. She said maybe it was all her hormones from being pregnant, and talked about how when we were younger we had always hoped to have babies at the same time. Jay didn't believe it and said maybe we should get another, that the second line wasn't that dark, but he was still smiling, and I knew before hand that he was getting to that point in his life (He's way older than I) I remember Jen saying to Jay "No, I KNOW she's pregnant, this is exactly how it happened to me.'' We took one more test, it was also positive, and went out for pizza.

I have been raised by a single mother who is pro choice, and I knew from an early age about abortion, and also had always known that if I were to be stuck in a position were I didn't want a baby, I would have no regrets getting one. But it was different when it really happened. I was in a daze for the next few days, I couldn't get it through to myself that I was pregnant. I was in tears most of the time, and still am. After I found out I was pregnant I didn't leave my house for 4 whole days. I felt like there was something wrong with me. It did not at all feel right. I felt sick, not pregnant.

Jay and I avoided the subject for a while. We would start talking about what we were going to do, but it would end in me breaking down and crying. I knew what I needed to do, but didn't even mumble the word 'abortion' to him for the first week. The day after it came up, we had two plane tickets for Washington. We're landlocked, and Seattle is the closest place to go. It was spring break. A group Jay's friends were heading on the same plane to Vegas to party, and we were going to go "shopping" in Seattle.

My appointment was the morning after we got to Seattle. I threw up before I got into the building because I was so scared. I thought I was going to be asleep for the procedures, but I wasn't. My mom had said for all of hers she had never been knocked out. But I didn't think I was as strong as her. I didn't want to hear or see the machine that would suck out my insides. I felt violated every time the doctor touched me, and jumped, even though I was so drugged up. When I felt some of the air shot out from the tube that was about to enter me, my leg flung out of the stirrup and nearly hit the doctor in the face. I said I was sorry, and tried to stay still and not think about or hear or see what was going on. I looked at Jay and the ceiling until it was done. The doctor left the room and said I could get up in a few minutes. I threw up again.

The next day I awoke hungry for the first time in a while. Jay was always trying to comfort me and cuddle, but I had no desire to. I didn't want him to touch me, and I turned my head when he tried to kiss me. I also didn't want to talk about anything. Especially the abortion. Those few days after the abortion in Seattle were hell. I just wanted to go home. The last night in a hotel room Jay asked me If I had thought at all about keeping the baby. I cried silently for what seemed like forever, and for the first time in weeks let Jay hold me while I sobbed for a deep sadness I felt but can't explain.

I know what I did was for the best of me, but I still feel sad. So, like I said 5 pages ago, I had an abortion a week ago tomorrow. Today a girl I work with mentioned she's noticed that I haven't been as happy this past month, and asked if I had fun on my vacation. I tried to hid my tears and she said that it was okay if I didn't tell her.

Jay had to go out of town for business two days after we got home, and I feel even more sad and empty without him. I feel like I talked all I can to Jen about it without bothering her, and My mom doesn't understand why I'm so sad after the abortion. I don't either. But I hope I heal soon and can get on with my life. I know there's a lot I want to experience and dreams I want to achieve before I bring a child into the world. I know I have the choice to wait, and I'm glad I took it.

16 March 2001

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