Sean's Story

I am 27, married with 2 children, 1 and 3.  I love my children so much, but there was no way I could go through another pregnancy.  From what I've heard from others, I had pretty easy pregnancies along with both actual births.  the pregnancy itself wouldn't have been the actual problem, but the after effect.  I have 10 year history of being Bi-polar and episodes come and go unexpectedly even while on medication.  After each pregnancy, I experienced "an episode."  These were both pretty bad, and when I say bad, I mean everything was absolutely terrible, to say the very least.  It was obvious that this was no post-partum since knowing my history, this was totally different and no near as mild as post-partum is.  There were no baby blues about it. 
I wasn't able to handle the everyday, normal care for my children that mother's are supposed to do.  Thank God my husband is so wonderful, he was there the whole time and totally supported and helped me out-along with my amazing parents.  To be completely honest I wanted to have this baby, but there was no option when weighing the positive to the negatives.  I was totally against abortion and then this happened to me.  Please don't get upset with me saying that, but it's true.  I felt terrible (and still do) about the decision I have made, but in the end this is a choice and my opinion has changed now that I have realized that everyone does have a choice and some situations children don't need to be brought into. 

I was at the clinic only last week and took the first medication on Friday and the second set of pills on Saturday (I opted for the abortion pill since I was only 4-5 weeks along).  I am still bleeding as we speak, but it's not as bad as I expected.  The doctor told me that I may not even experience any cramping due to the fact that I've already had kids.  Which is true, I haven't had any, mainly it's like having a period as far as the bleeding is concerned.  What really sucks is not being able to wear a tampon and having to resort to pads-yuck!  I think I passed the fetus today because there was no mistaking what I saw and a blood clot, once again sorry if that is disturbing to anyone, but I need to get my feelings out along with informing everyone what to expect.  I wish I would've know about this site or had someone to talk to who has been through this and who can inform me of what to expect.  I have mixed feelings about what happened today, mainly I just feel that it's sad and really messed up when I think about it. 
I know this all happened for a reason, but it's hard sometimes when I think about what I'm going through.  Again, everyone does have a choice and for one reason or another, everything does happen for a reason and only God knows why.  Please remember how hard this decision will be, since everyone has different stories and reasons behind their decision, there is no right answer, only support from others and sites like this.  My husband and I have decided that nobody else will ever know about this except us.  This also makes things difficult for me since I am really close to my parents and my brother and sister-in-law.  I tell them everything.  There are some things that not everyone needs to know.  That's the last thing I wanted to deal with was any judgment or snide remarks.  Although I doubt my family would do this, you never know.  I am also embarrassed to admit this since everyone knew how against this I was.  I'm sure you hear and read a lot how God is with you and will forgive you,  I truly believe this.  Make sure you have someone to confide in, because I couldn't imagine not having someone to talk to and to go through this alone.  I do understand what all of you have went through, are going through, or will go through.  Stay strong, and remember everything happens for a reason.  Take care.

March 2007

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