Samantha's Story

Two years ago, I went through one of the worst times of my life. I was 21, my boyfriend of two and a half years was killed on the job. He was a homicide cop, for the NYPD. The night before he was killed, he asked me to marry him. I was so excited, that we were getting married. He was the person that I fell in love with the thought of many years ago. The type of person that you lay in bed dreaming about when you're a young girl. I was so happy that I had him, and he had me. But then he was taken away from me, one horrible night. Two weeks after he was killed, I found out that I was pregnant with his baby.

I can't take birth control of any sort due to side affects that it has on me. So I used a diaphragm, it worked every time before, but not this time. Something went wrong. I knew that I couldn't have this baby. It would be to hard. A baby deserves its father, and that was something that I would never be able to give it. Plus, it would have been a constant reminder about what happened, something I wanted to try to forget. So I had an abortion.

I didn't tell anyone ever, until last week. I told my boyfriend for the first time, and we have been together for close to three years. Last night, I found out that I am pregnant again. I don't know what to do. I am very much in love with my boyfriend, but I know that he doesn't ever want children, and honestly, neither do I. Not anymore.

It's just, going through the abortion, was hard for me. It was maybe one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Not so much the procedure itself, but that hurt feeling I felt inside for so long afterwards, the guilt. It's something that I never again thought I would have to experience, but now I'm afraid I have to. It's my only choice really. I don't want to tell my boyfriend about it though, if at all possible. I know that I will have to, but I'm just not sure how he will react, I don't want him to get angry. I don't need anymore stress in my life right now.

Things haven't been going to great lately for me. My mother died this past weekend of a heart attack that the doctors can't explain, my best friend is currently in the hospital, dying of AIDS, she was raped four years ago, and now she is paying for his mistake. I don't want to tell her either. She already has enough to worry about, and I don't want her to worry about me.

So right now, I have all these feelings inside of me, and I fell like I really don't have anyone to talk to about them with. That's why I am posting my story.

Thank you for listening,

October 1998

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"I don't feel abortion is right or wrong," she said. "It's whatever a woman can live with."