I would like to tell my story. I have no one to talk to, that truly understands. I was always pro-life, could often be heard making cruel comments about women who choose abortion.I have two children already, one I just had recently.
I never expected to be pregnant, my boyfriend and I have always used condoms...except one night...even then, he withdrew. I felt different about a week later, just, different.
I guess something in the back of my head told me go take a test. I went into the drug store and bought an off brand test. I went home and took it...it was super faint, but positive. I didnt believe it, I started crying. I knew how much I was struggling now to support my kids, and how my boyfriend and I work 50 hours a week to supoort the two we have. I didnt believe the test, thought it was a dud. I went out and bought another one, it was positive. I cried, and proceeded to explore my options.
I went over our budget and realized we could not financially support another child. I explored adoption, but knew I couldnt even afford to take off work for that peeiod of time, I just started my new job and it worries me to have to take off that kind of time at a new job.
I decided on medical abortion. I cried and cried, my boyfriend tried to be supportive, but how supportive can,someone be who really has no idea what is happening in your body?
I just went to my first appointment today. It was an hour and a half wait, with other girls in the waiting room who were just a torn as me. I fought the urge to cry thewhole time. It was my turn. The doctor tried to lighten up the situation, tried to make small talk and make me smile...it was sweet, but all I could think of was, "im going to kill my unborn fetus today, this is not the time to joke about the snow outside...im not laughing" he handed me the pill and a small disposable cup of water. I stared at it. Knew that once I did it, there was no turning back. I swallowed it, and swear I felt it going down...like a rock. It was done. This was about five hours ago.I am to take my final dose tomorrow morning.
I feel so emotional. I know that I cannot give this little one a quality life, my two kids already spend a lot of time at the babysitters because we work so much to supoort them...it makes me feel horrible. I can't imagine bringing one more child into this, I wouldnt be able to give it what it deserves. We can barely keep our rent paid, and barely afford diapers.
I cant quit thinking about what the pill is doing inside me. The doctor said it stops the pregnancy. I can picture it right now. I have to go to work tonight, I dont want to. Its hard to put on a happy face when you are screaming for emotional support on the inside. I cant look people in the eye without thinking "they have no idea what is going on in my life". I feel nervous about taking the pills tomorrow.
I'm scared. But I feel that jacob (i felt it deserved a proper name) will be able to find another family that is more capable of raising a child. I feel hopeful that someday I will meet him again, unknowingly, but I will. I feel his spirit will find me again, In one way or another. I talked to him today, told him that I was sorry, I cried. I told him that I loved him, loved him enough to not bring him into this struggle of our life. I couldnt do it to him. I apologized, and bid him farewell...i wished him to another family...one that has been struggling to concieve. It was hard, but I felt like it helped, at least a little.
My first two kids were born while I was working a good paying job, I just recently was fortunate enough to find a job after being jobless for awhile. We lost our home, our cars, our lifestyle. It has been hard, I hope to get back on my feet and be fortunate to be blessed with another little one, later. When I can stay home more, and work less. When I will have tine to cook dinner every night, and help with homework. When I am emotionally healed, I still suffer postpartum depression from the birth of my youngest eight months ago.
I never realized how brave and strong women who abort are, you, and me, we are strong. We made thr hardest decision in life, but we had only thest intentions. I am a good person. And so are you.
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"It is imperative that we value these women, these mothers and ensure that they have full access to all of the maternal and reproductive health care services they need." (Julie Burkhart) read more