Rebecca's Story

I recently terminated a pregnancy at 8 and a half weeks gestation. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Yet outwardly it appeared to people that I was making a decision about what movie to see that weekend; I even joked about it amongst close friends. I was severely nauseated and used to joke that in only a week the nausea would be over! It was like it was a mere interruption to my busy life and something that could be quickly and easily dealt with. No big deal unwanted pregnancy get an abortion.

I remember how cold I was at the doctor's appointment. He asked what he could do for me and without even a minute's hesitation, I said, "I'm pregnant I don't want to be, please write me a referral." He asked me a few brief questions and I left with the magic piece of paper that would fix this little problem. I drove home feeling very relieved that the ball was rolling on this project. I had a moments twinge of guilt, I kept thinking there are so many young couples out there who cannot have children and want them dearly so how could I possibly think of terminating my pregnancy? This thought was brief and was easily pushed aside but much more 'frightening' thoughts like how can I raise a child on my own, is it fair for a child to have no father around and the most frightening of all, would a man ever find me attractive if I had a child in tow.

The next day I phoned the clinic who arranged an appointment for me the following week. I was actually annoyed that they couldn't do it sooner as I was suffering terrible morning sickness and could barely get through the day. I looked like death and more than one person at worked guessed that I was pregnant.

The day of the termination I still hadn't had any serious second thoughts; I just wanted this baby gone. The actual procedure went very smoothly and 5 hours after arriving I was allowed to go home. I remember walking back into my flat, lying on my bed and just crying and crying. Normal, I thought, probably just your hormones getting back to normal. I went back to work the next day. That night I spoke to the father and we had a really nice normal chat I was so jovial when inside my heart was breaking and I couldn't understand why.

I chose to know the sex of my baby. I ticked the box more out of curiosity than anything else. We had been joking at work that because I was so sick it must be a girl! The more time that passes since the abortion the more I keep thinking about it, so when I received the letter I didn't open it I was going to throw it out I really no longer wanted to know, but then my curiosity got the better of me, and we were right it was a little girl. I think finding out her sex really humanized her and the whole experience for me. I just felt so sad. All I kept thinking about that evening was that in February I would have delivered a healthy baby girl, I wondered what color her eyes would have been, how much she would have weighed and who she would have looked like.

I keep having nightmares about a baby crying, me trying to get to her but not being able to find her, and when I finally do it's to late and she is dead and decaying. I keep thinking that I must be being over dramatic after all this was entirely my choice why should I be feeling this way. For the first two weeks after the termination I acted so normal outwardly but I couldn't even hold a baby or look into a pram the sight of a pregnant woman would cause a lump to form in my throat.

8 weeks on I know I made the right decision, god it was hard, but I know that for me, the father and the baby it was the best decision, for all of us. I had bad days where I used to think I would never be able to forget what I selfishly did to my own child. Now I realize that the decision I made was the most unselfish thing I have ever done.

We are told that having a termination is a quick safe procedure with little of no after affects. For me this wasn't the case I had terrible low days and I know that I will never forget that my first pregnancy ended in termination. But 8 weeks on I feel at peace with my decision, I have a wonderful group of friends and although the father and I have never really had a major discussion about everything I know he supported my decision 100%. So please if you have terminated a pregnancy and are having trouble coming to terms with it, talk, don't feel that it's something you have to deal with on your own. Just because it's our choice doesn't mean you can't grieve for the experience.

Every woman deserves the right to her own fertility, every woman deserves the right to choose and I was grateful the choice was available to me. Just as every child deserves to be wanted, every child deserves two parents who love each other and I think every child deserves a name, no matter how brief their stay.

Hers was Niamh Louise and she would have been beautiful......

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