Nikola's Story

I was celebrating my 21st birthday and was looking forward to a bright future. I was in my 3rd year at University, my partner had been offered a full time position and life was looking great.

I guess I just wasn't feeling as normal, in fact I couldn't stop being sick, I thought it must have been a bug because it was all day, every day. I went to the doctors for something for my "flu" and he asked if perhaps I was pregnant and my reaction was definitely no. All of a sudden though it made sense. I bought a test and bingo I was pregnant.

What would I do? I lay in bed the rest of the day waiting for my partner to return home. I told him there was something in the bathroom waiting for him and I didn't think he would like it. He came back out and said 'ha ha' 'funny funny'. He joked that if I was pregnant then I knew what would have to be done - an abortion. He knew I was serious when I started to cry.

After much soul searching I went ahead with abortion. Simple. I only had to wait a week. The night before I couldn't stop crying - hoping that my partner would say not to go through with it. He didn't. If you can understand our lives were beginning to go somewhere. How could I look after a baby while still at University.

When I arrived at the Hospital it was awful. I was asked 101 questions by the midwife - made to feel dirty and that I was a bad person. The nurse who took me into the ward was very nice and understanding. When I was wheeled up to the operating theater I could not stop crying, somehow hoping that I could change my mind. The nurse kept saying to me that I could change my mind and that it wasn't too late.

Before I knew it I was back in the ward. It was all over - no more regrets I promised myself. I actually felt quite good (no more sickness anyhow) until the midwife came in - she spoke to me like I was yet another silly wee girl. She made me feel like dirt. I just wanted to go home. I kept asking the nurses if my partner had phoned and they replied - No. I felt all alone.

My partner came for me that evening and I couldn't stop crying. Why hadn't he phoned I asked. He had phoned on a number of occasions - the nurses just didn't bother to tell me. I hate them for that. Never again.

Back home I started to feel better and knew that what I had done was for the best. I know that when I have a baby it will be right for me and my partner who I love very much. It was just the wrong time before. 

I have to say though that time doesn't go by without me thinking of what may have been. I do worry about what happened to the fetus I had aborted - some might think this is silly.

December 1998

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