For a long time now I have battled with Borderline
Personality Disorder, depression, and substance abuse.
I am 21 years old about to turn 22. I have a one year
old and a husband. I love my family with all my heart
but I was at an all time low, caught up in drinking,
and I decided I was going to leave my husband.
live in Japan on a military base so I took my son and
moved back with my parents in the States. As soon as
I got back I got back into my old habit of Heroin. I
was going down hill fast. I told my husband he could
take our son to Japan with him; I was too busy being a
junkie. I went from having a lovely home with a
little dog and a loving husband and baby to hanging
out with druggies in disgusting apartments. I was also
sleeping with this guy I had met. My husband took
leave and flew home to get our son. When he got back
he saw what bad shape I was in.
When I was in Japan I
was an heavy drinker, but this was so much worse. He
remembered the person he fell in love with and
despite everything I had done he was set on helping me
get clean and getting our beautiful family back
together. I had to detox which was horrible, but he
dealt with it. It was hard but I got clean. When my
mind was no longer hazed with drugs and alcohol I
realized what I had almost lost. It was like a new
beginning. I moved back to Japan with him and life
was perfect, it seemed. But soon I started getting
pregnancy symptoms. And my worst fear was true, I was
pregnant, and not by my husband. I was 8 weeks when I
My husband was very supportive and said we
should keep the baby, but how could I? Everyday I
would have to look at that child and remember.
Besides what if I had damaged the fetus from the drugs
already? I decided to get an abortion. Unfortunately
though the military does not give abortions, so I had
to go to a Japanese clinic off base.
It was the most
unnerving experience of my life. I couldn't
understand a word and the workers there were getting
frustrated. When they did my ultrasound they printed
a picture out and showed it to me. I thought that was
a low blow... I don't know how abortions go in the
States but where I went I paid $800 to get tied down
and pumped full off sedatives, that did nothing for
the pain, they just made it so I couldn't move. I had
tears streaming down my face and whatever the dr.. was
doing hurt so bad I was crying out. The one nurse
kept saying "sleep sleep" in her heavy accent. She
held a towel over my mouth and pushed it down to
muffle my cries. The next thing I knew The other
nurse was slapping my leg signaling me to get up.
was hustled into a room in my under wear with a rubber
mat on the floor. The lady again told me to sleep.
But I was in so much pain all I could do was cry.
Three people came in to hold me down on the floor all
telling my to be quiet and to sleep. But I just
wanted to get as far away from that place as possible. This happened four days ago. I am still healing and
I have been having flash backs and night mares. No
one wants to listen to my story... maybe because it is
disturbing... But I just needed to write it here to
get it out. I contacted the baby's father and told
him what had happened. He said "Sorry to hear that."
and that was all.
The one thing that bothers me the
most about this though, is the fact I am adopted.
What if my mother had made the choice I have?
February 22, 2007
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