Leah's Story

Hello everybody -

I've read almost every story on here and it inspired me to share mine.  I have had two abortions, the latest one was just a week ago.  I want to help all of you to stop beating yourselves up and live your life; love your life.

I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant 2 weeks ago.  The father was my boyfriend that I had just gotten back together again with, and we were having major trust issues.  I wasn't sure if I loved him and we were fighting a lot and trying to work things out.  The unexpected pregnancy added additional stress and I just couldn't believe I was in this situation.  Pregnant, unmarried, and unsure about the future of my boyfriend and I.   Over the summer while we were apart I dated a guy for about a month.  Nothing serious, and we never had sex.  My boyfriend because of this told me once that if we keep it then he wanted to have a paternity test.  Well, that addition into the equation made me flip.  It couldn't have been anybody else's, but imaging going through 9 months of him viewing me critically, looking into his eyes and knowing he was thinking, 'Is she really carrying my baby, or somebody else's, without that faith and love and CHOICE that I always imagined having, my life was suddenly this. 

I decided then I couldn't keep it, for the sake of all of our futures.  One week ago, I went to the clinic hoping I could do the medical procedure, but was told I couldn't and had to do the surgical decision.  I cried about this, because I didn't want to go through that process again.  It was too... real.  But my boyfriend and I talked, and decided to go ahead with it.  I had read a lot of horror stories online about people regretting it, and I was really worried about feeling the same way.  My first abortion I was 19, and don't regret it all.  It was simple compared to this one, as far as emotions go.

For the next few days, I felt strong waves of panic and fear, like I would be one of these women who felt remorse and regret for the rest of their lives.  Then I became scared that I would never be able to conceive again, and that I had given up my only chance.  Both of these fears were irrational, after doing some research.  After about 6 days I started to get more emotionally stable and feeling like my own self.  I remember thinking that I was glad I had made the decision, and was relieved.

Then today, I told somebody about it.  They said, "Why'd you do that?" Like it was the craziest thing ever to do.  That immediately released the guilt and remorse and I started wondering again if I had made the wrong decision - thus, why I came to this board originally.  I have since learned that even though you know the decision at the time is right, it is still normal to feel pain about it afterwards.  No matter how right you think the decision is, you are human and may feel emotional about it.  Especially because of the hormones your body releases when you are pregnant have to subside.  This no cause for alarm.  In fact, on the contrary, it is healthy.  Let yourself feel, and don't fight it, acknowledge it.

For people who say they feel they have been weak for not continuing the pregnancy.  Please don't.  This was one of the hardest decisions you will ever make, and you made the most responsible decision you believed AT THE TIME.  That makes you strong.  Not weak.  See, these are the key words.  You made the decision right for you, at the time.  Nobody can ever know what may happen in the future or what circumstances may change.  There will always be decisions you make that you think later could have been wrong.  Have faith in yourself, and in your decisions.  To beat yourself up and constantly punish yourself for something that made so much sense to you at the time you did it is NOT logical, and NOT a way to live a life.

I hope everybody is doing beautifully, as you all deserve to be.

October 2004

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