Crying. I had an abortion on a Saturday October 9th, 2010. I was attending a prestigious university that made my mom proud since she was an immigrant from South America, yet I held many secrets from her.
First off I was living with my boyfriend a year ago when I was a freshmen straight out of high school and he was a junior transfer (25 years of age). My mom never knew that because I also paid for a place, yet never slept nor had my belongings at my apartment. I could not tell her, even though she worried about me constantly by calling me everyday to make sure everything was going all right for me. It is crazy how my mom knows when something is wrong because she calls me even more, she did this during I was pregnant and when I had an abortion. She told me that she had a dream of me crying and being in trouble, but I denied that anything was wrong and that I was doing perfectly fine, just busy with school.
We had unprotected sex multiple times a day, so getting pregnant was not a complete shock. I just couldn't believe that it happened to me during my second year of college. I was experiencing severe morning sickness and lost 10 pounds. I decided to take a pregnancy test due to these symptoms and being late for my period. My boyfriend at the time bought the in home pregnancy test since I was very sick and tired. It turned out positive, I was silent. Then my boyfriend's friends came and he smoked. He didn't seem to care about the situation. We continued to fight and it escalated as days passed by. He was not compassionate at all or sensitive to the situation. When I had thoughts about keeping it, he suddenly accused me of ruining his life, became angry at me, explained how it was unfair for him, and how I had to have than abortion since it was fiscally not rational. I though this was a selfish reaction and I can see that he was not mature enough to handle me being pregnant nor did he love me. He was not the guy for me and I can not respect him.
I found out in late September that he cheated on me when I was looking through his emails. Deleted emails with sexual stories and how they should meet up were initiated several times with pictures of his dick and her naked body sent to him. This hurt me so much, especially one of the emails was during the weekend when we had finished summer school. I wanted to really do something special since we didn’t have time to do anything that summer. What he deemed as his duty, was to go to his mom's place in Redwood. I feel stupid because I should have went back to my home in SoCal, but didn’t go due to thinking that we would spend time with each other. Then I find an email saying that he was in town and they should meet up during the weekend he was visiting his family. I thought we were doing ok, but apparently I was wrong. This devastated me and makes me realize why I never trusted a guy in the first place. When I saw him later that night, I openly told him that I knew about the cheating. He denied any accusation and I hit him in the face, then he left and never said sorry for his actions till this day. I wish he could realize how much damage he did to me and how much he hurt me, but he will never know.
The possibility of me going through with the pregnancy was not in his vocabulary, yet he played it off as if he was protecting my opportunities since I was 19 and had a bright future ahead of me. Fear and not being mature is the only thing that provoked him to say that and to act like nothing changes. The night life was a high priority to him and the new organization he was being involved with (HU), and even though I was sick and unable to drink he would come home at 2am. I wish at times that we could have gone out on a date, or for him to buy me something special, but I had to buy everything since his financial aid did not arrive yet.
I wanted to feel special and feel like I was valued, yet I was constantly ignored. When we went to parties together he made it a point that socializing with other people was more important than having a good time with me and dancing with me, yet he got mad if I was feet away from a guy. For a few months we had a rocky relationship and on the edge of breaking up multiple times. I just couldn’t move out due to it being time consuming and me being in school made it harder for that permanent change. I want to leave, but so accustomed for someone just being by my side and since he is the only one that knows who is in close proximity to me I feel like he can help me. That is a fantasy, but I just can’t seem to leave our past and move on with my own life. To start again by myself is something that I would have to get used to. When I living at home my mom made sure I was taken care of, and know I feel like the boyfriend protects me. I’m not used to sleeping myself since my first semester I even had a roommate. I need to grow up by my self now and I am ready, yet still scared.
To make sure I was pregnant, I went to the hospital to have a pregnancy test and that confirmed that I was pregnant. I knew I wanted to proceed with an abortion, but did not have money and found out that my insurance was terminated due to the social worker processing information incorrectly a week before that changed my status for medical. I had to wait approximately a month in a half to get that fixed. By that time I was eleven weeks, then I had to wait for the clinic to set an appointment. It was hard due to me having school and being in midterm season and not knowing friends with cars and relying only on public transportation with no previous knowledge of the area.
During the waiting period, the transition was hard. Not only was I experiencing pressure from school rigor, but also the pregnancy and the though of a baby inside me. The boyfriend denied that there was a baby inside me, until he saw the picture of the ultrasound, which changed him for a few days then he reverted back to his old ways. I was physically weak due to losing 10 pounds and being under 100 pounds at one point. During that month I was also sick, I had a fever for three weeks, I had a cough and a cold. When I went to the hospital for my first visit, the doctor was so disrespectful and only saw me for 5 minutes and did an ultrasound. At the beginning she asked me what was the reason for being there, I told her that it was my first visit since I found out I was pregnant. She said that I was only scheduled for a 15 minute appointment so therefore she could do nothing. I was dissatisfied with the appointment since I waited basically 2 months for it, to endure a rude doctor. I should have been seen with my regular OBGYN doctor, who takes his time and shows his concern. He called me the next day, and talked to me for an hour over the phone. That doctor gave me great advice and I respected what he told me. As a parent himself, he emphasized telling my mom, but I know I will never be able to tell her. It will be a secret that I take to the grave. I don’t want to be a disappointment nor cause her more problems than she already has to endure. I love my mom, and I know if I had my baby I would love and care for it just as much as my mom did for me.
Up to the point of the abortion, the only people who know are my boyfriend whom I live with, my best fried who is out of state and a male, and a friend from school who I confided this information to and a few of my professors who were very understanding about the situation. Personal people who I can talk to about it is only my boyfriend, yet he will soon be my ex and I will have to hold this feeling of sadness by myself. It has not affected him whatsoever emotionally or physically. It is clear though that I have had a negative impact on him, especially for his grades and his social life.
After the abortion I thought I felt fine, but on day 3 I started getting severe cramps, had mild bleeding, and my breasts started lactating and feeling painfully sore.
I think that having the abortion was the right thing to do since I did not want my baby to live the life I had when growing up. I don’t want my child to have to worry about the finances, worry about their father, worry about food, worry about being able to go to school, and other problems they do not have to endure. The reason for me going to school is so I can become a professional, not have to depend on anyone and make sure that I raise my child with a life filled with resources and opportunities. One day when I decide that having a baby is right for me I will be positive that I made the right choice. I want to make sure I succeed and will try my hardest in obtaining my goals first.
During this upcoming weekend, he decided to leave to soCal for a football game. What annoyed me was he didn’t even want me to go from the beginning, he had no intentions of wanting me there with him. He wanted to get away, and that hurt me, since I was going through the abortion and pregnancy. The day of the abortion the football team played against UCLA and I could not participate in those festivities, and now I miss out on this opportunity to have fun. The ex is only concerned about his pleasure and his participation in this important event that he must attend. I wish he would have even tried to persuade me to go or even offer to pay for the trip. That didn’t happen.
Now I will move out during the weekend. Hopefully I can get some help from a friend. I don’t want to be stuck in his place anymore. I want to be able to be free and have chance to make it on my own in the real world. I want to rely only on myself like I used to. Before him I used to not let my guard down, not trust anyone.
As I write this tears continue to run down my cheek and I can not just make it stop. Some things our emotions just can’t control and at times I wish I could change my life and be someone different, but realize that life has obstacles and that each one makes a person stronger. Either way, everyone goes through something hard but lives through it and life continues.
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