Kayelle's Story*

I had an abortion eight months ago. The day before my 21st Birthday.

Eight months ago I made a decision that I never dreamed I would have to make. The thought that today if I had gone through with my pregnancy I would be a mother of a newborn baby, makes me both sad and scared at the same time.

I will be very honest as I tell this story. I think about it almost every day. Some days I wish I had done it differently, some days I am content with the decision I made, but throughout all of the days I have just wished that it had all just never happened to me at all.

I am not someone who is promiscuous, when this happened to me I had only slept with three people. And I had always looked forward to the day I became a mother. I adore children, I guess you could say I was born with a motherly instinct. I just never thought it would happen before I wanted it to.

I had dated this man for five years on and off. Him and I were never met to be. But he was my first love and at the time no one could convince me other wise. He cheated on me, verbally abused me, Had a very scary temper, and was very immature. But I was naive and thought it would all change. And then one day it did. Except this time it was me who changed.

Things were as usual not so good between us, and I went to a wedding and met up with a guy I had always had a thing for. We had dated for a while but I ended it for the other one. Well after to many drinks, and the thought of finally possibly ending things with my boyfriend for this guy. I went home with him and had unprotected sex. A decision I will regret till the day I die.

Of course my whole plan of being rescued by this wonderful guy, was pretty much shot when he never called me after that night. I was upset and not happy with myself. I saw my boyfriend a few days later and had sex with him. As embarrassed as I am to even say this, I must so anyone who reads this understands the importance of it. Him and I for five years never used protection. So that night was no different.

One month later the worse happened. My period never came. I took a test, and realized in those three minutes my life was going to change, in a blink of an eye. And of course as I had figured I was pregnant I cried for hours and told no one. See I come from an Italian Catholic family. Enough said!

As much as I had claimed I would never do it, abortion was the only choice I felt I had. Here I was a twenty year old hairstylist who had no idea how to support a child, or tell my family, or my friends, or even my clients. Or to make matters a whole lot worse the father, because I had no idea myself who the father was.

Two weeks later when I began to get sick. And I could no longer deal with it by myself I turned to my sister. She stood by me through it all. And Then I did what I thought was right. I told my boyfriend. I told him the entire truth, That I had no idea if it was his or not.

And to my unbelievable surprise, the man in him came out. He was understanding and supportive in whatever I wanted to do. He told me he would marry me and never think twice weather it was his or not. I myself didn't want that. I knew in my heart that he would never be a father that I would want for my child. And most likely he would have not done what he was saying either. And I could not deal with not knowing.

One week later the day before my 21st birthday I had the abortion. Him and my sister went along with me. It was very hard, and very traumatic. But what almost made me, in a weird way feel worse was, there was no pain at all. I felt there should have been for what I had done.

Now looking back on it eight months later, most of me feels ok with what I did. I made a huge choice that millions of other girls make every year. One that would have made life very different had I not done it. And I am happy with where I am today. Turned out when all of it was going on my boyfriend was cheating on me anyway. He told me about her a few days after the abortion. They now living together and he cheats on her also. My career is going great, I go out and enjoy life, and I am dating a wonderful guy now. I would never have unprotected sex again. My next child will be loved and planned. I could have been a good mother than, but when I am truly ready I will be a great mother, and no child deserves any less. So when I look at it like that I don't feel as if my decision was selfish at all. It was actually something that turned my life in a positive direction.

21 May 2001

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"a woman can't survive
by her own breath
she must know
the voices of mountains"
— "Fire" by Joy Harjo

*Name changed