I've always been "pro-choice" but honestly couldn't figure out how a woman became pregnant on accident with all the different types of contraceptives available.
I became pregnant on August 31, 2007. I'm horrible with dates but I think I will always remember that day.
A month previous I had broken up with my live-in boyfriend of a year who I had very quickly discovered was a raging alcoholic. I loved everything about him and didn't want to see the truth until he pulled me out of bed one night and attempted to choke me to death.
I know all of this sounds insane. On the outside we were the "perfect couple". He was a former high fashion runway model and I am a marketing manager. Anyway, that night pretty much ruined our cozy lifestyle and any dreams of a future with him.
For about a month I took time to heal. One day I made a list of all the "good guys" I dated. I decided to call a guy I dated in college and see how he was doing.
We ended up reconnecting and our chemistry was as strong as ever. I felt happy and safe around him with safe being the key word. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic I constantly felt like the "responsible one".
For the first time in over a year I didn't feel like I had to take care of anyone and that's why on August 31, 2007 I didn't care that my friend and I had unprotected sex multiple times that night. It's so ridiculous looking back but I just knew that I was protected from anymore harm because my friend would keep me safe.
Just to be sure, the next day I took the morning after pill. A week later I went to my gynecologist to make sure everything was fine. Imagine my surprise when she told me I was pregnant.
At first I was terrified that somehow it was my exes baby (even though we hadn't seen each other in 2 & 1/2 months and I'd had my period in that time). When the doctor confirmed that it was my friends I felt better.
I went back and forth on whether or not to tell him. I had to wait 2 weeks to get an abortion anyway since I hadn't even missed a period.
I went through much soul searching and apologizing to my embryo (which I called my zygote). I believe in reincarnation so I prayed and talked to my zygote and asked him/her to forgive me but that the mommy and daddy they had chosen were not ready to receive them properly.
I did go through a lot emotionally because although I am 26 and my friend is 27 we actually do quite well financially and could technically have taken on this responsibility.
I finally told my friend about the news and he was amazing and supportive. I believe that he truly wanted to have the baby but he would never push his will on me.
I've been studying for the LSAT and will apply to college in the fall. My friend is only my friend and I couldn't imagine being a single parent. Also my mother had me at 26 and I think that for me - waiting to have children until a bit later will be the best thing for myself and my offspring.
When I went in to have the abortion the ultrasound showed that I had twins. This really confirmed to me that I had made the right decision.
When I later told my friend he had a bit of an emotional breakdown and retreated for a day to go think. He was very emotional about this information. He's a great man and would have made a terrific father. He's the type that would probably have married me. However, I don't want someone to be with me only because I got pregnant.
It's been a week and I feel like I made the best possible decision based on the timing and circumstances but I still miss my twins. I was surprised by how attached I got to being pregnant. I know that they didn't feel any pain and that they are once again jetting through the universe. In such a short amount of time they filled both mine and their father's heart with so much love. I pray that their next parents love them as much as we always will and will be able to provide what we couldn't at this time. Lately, I've been thinking of getting a tattoo to honor them. I want it to be something that only I understand. Maybe two wings because I truly feel that I now have two angels watching over me.
03 October 2007
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If you had an abortion ... you are not alone.