Janet's Story

I am 24 yrs. old. To know me and to look at me, no one would ever think that I would have been forced to make this decision. I guess I am a hypocrite? See...I have always been labeled as the 'good one'...the 'smart one'....in the family. I graduated summa cum laude in Accounting, landed job at a Big 6 acctg. firm, and now I have recently been accepted into a doctoral program. I was the one with the good heart and the values...the compassionate one...the one who is always the counselor of my friends, my family...even my parents. People come to me for advice with their problems. They think I am strong and that I can handle things and that I have my life so together. Little does anyone know...

I hate that I was forced to make this decision. I have always been so precautious about every detail in my life. I wanted to do the right thing. Well, I gave some advice to myself this time. I told myself that I could not handle a pregnancy at this point in my life. I fooled myself into thinking this, because I dunno...I was selfish. There was still alot I was wanting to do in my life. I wanted to see the world. I couldn't let anyone know that I might be pregnant, heaven forbid! What would others think!

Now, I have done it. Wednesday night, I took it upon myself to end my baby's life....my sweet perfect baby. The only thing my baby was trying to do was to grow and get "pretty" for me. Then, I end it just like that. He wasn't convenient for me. It hurts me now. I replay that night in my mind constantly. I cried the entire procedure. Not because I was scared of the pain...but because of the decision itself. In fact, I wanted to feel the pain.

I wanted the baby to let me know how he felt about his mother's decision. I wanted him to scream out and let me know. Then, I wanted to repress this memory and move on. But it hasn't happened like that. I burst into tears every time I see a baby on TV or at the grocery store. I was at Wal Mart yesterday and a girl my age was helping me. She was pregnant and that was all she could talk about. Every talk-show seems to be about pregnancy now. It's all just too much for me to handle.

I am a Christian. I think that makes it harder for me. You see, I could have had my baby. I could have. I could have financially provided for it. I would have been the greatest mother, I have no doubt. I would have loved him so much. But I have now made an irreversible decision. I don't know if it's that saying, "You always want what you can not have" or what. I dunno why I am torturing myself right now.

But I hurt so bad. I feel this incredible loss. I don't feel worthy of this life any longer. I want to tell my baby how sorry I am. Ironic as it may sound, I loved my baby. I still and will always love him more than anything. How could I kill him? I hate my life and the bed I have made for myself. I will lie in it now, as they say. I cry and talk to myself out loud now. I can't tell anyone. I feel so lonely. Usually, I can help others out of problems. I wish I could help myself outta this depression. Will I ever be able to forgive myself? I don't think so - ever. Any good thing I do with my remaining days will always be overshadowed by this grief and this memory and the thought of the child that could not share it with me.

I know that God has forgiven me. He loves me. He will give me strength. When it's all said and done, I know this. But it's hard for me to think with God's reasoning; nothing anyone could ever do could make a person worthy of the grace He gives. I can't fathom it. But I know His forgiveness is there for me to take. I just can't accept it right now. I can't forgive myself. I just can't. I pray one day that God will give me back this precious life that I so nonchalantly threw away. All I can do is take it one day at a time, and pray that maybe this will make me strive to be a better person and a better mommy for my future children.

I apologize for what must seem such a negative story. I know this is probably won't even be displayed because it is supposed to be an uplifting, encouraging story for others. But this is how I feel. Maybe one day I will have a change of heart. I hope I do, because I cannot live like this every day for the rest of my life. Maybe, if you are thinking about it...remember, it is your decision alone. It's an irreversible one, though, so just make sure it is what you want to do. It is your life. Remember that. If you do go through with it, God does forgive. I know He has forgiven me. I just want to be able to accept this forgiveness. Please pray for me. Thank you for listening.

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