Faith's Story

I was in love! He was everything I dreamed a man could be: handsome, intelligent, spiritual, etc. We spent every evening together, forsaking all others.

Eventually, I became aware of other relationships he was concurrently involved in. His time with me also diminished greatly. But since I was head over heels in love, it did not matter. I was willing to settle for his down time.

This lopsided relationship continued on for almost two years, me available for his pleasures at his leisure. We did not even consider using protection, which proved to be ignorant in hindsight. In the summer of 1995 my period was late. I took the home pregnancy test and is was positive!

Oh no, what was I to do? I phoned him several times, with no reply from him. Eventually he returned my call, and asked if I was pregnant. When I said yes, he first sounded excited about it. He talked about how we would have to inform my father and family of the expected baby. I scheduled a medical appointment to confirm my pregnancy, and it was 100 % positive. An ultrasound was done, and a picture was taken. There was a life growing inside of me. My due date was April 17, 1996.

With mixed emotions of surprise and excitement, I informed my family and friends of my pregnancy. Everyone appeared excited for me, since I did not have any children, nor did he. His phone calls lessened during this period. When he finally called me, I informed him of my due date. He then stated that he wanted me to have an abortion.

He started giving examples of single mothers' struggles and the financial responsibility of parenthood. He also worried what others would think, since we both belonged to an organization with mutual friends. After all, I was not his girlfriend, only a friend/sleeping partner whom he loved. So, with severe emotional pain, I agreed to have the abortion to please him. He agreed to accompany me to this appointment and pay for it.

When he picked me up the morning of the appointment, you could have heard a piece of cotton hit the floor: there was dead silence the entire ride to the clinic. As I entered the room which would change my life forever, I trembled with doubt for the action I was about to perform. I cried lying on the table.

The doctor tried to comfort me by asking why I was going through with this. He said I had plenty of time to make a decision. I informed him that I could not afford to take care of my child. Thereafter he said no more.

He proceeded with the abortion procedure. I was given a shot to deaden the pain, but it was not enough to deaden the pain I still feel today. He was allowed to come into the recovery room with me. He held my arm and hand as I cried, knowing that I had made a big mistake. He said that we would have a baby once our lives became more stable. He brought me home, and stayed over for a few hours, promising to call me later.

Well, the next day I was feeling well enough to attend a family reunion at a park near his home. As I am driving down the street I notice him on his motorcycle with a woman riding as his passenger. With an already aching heart from the abortion, it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest cavity without an anesthetic. I attempted to contact him several times so he could share my grief, since I felt he contributed to it. He finally called me back and said that I just needed to go back and I would feel better.

My feelings grew more and more embittered towards him, but I was still in love. Grief, anger, guilt, remorse, love: I became a bundle of emotions. I do not recall how we started talking again, but the abortion was never mentioned by him again. We would speak of having a baby in a few years, but that was it. I was so afraid that if I expressed my true feelings of pain he would abandon me immediately, and I needed him in my life at all costs.

So our relationship was reestablished but the focus was not sexual. We both began to mature and experience how invaluable our relationship was. The years passed, and we began to experience a mutual and respectful love for each other.

One day tragedy struck: he was diagnosed with a cancerous spot on his liver. He underwent several chemotherapies, and remained in pain most of the time. His body deteriorated, but his spirit remained intact.

As his terminal cancer progressed, he decided to "get some stuff off of his chest". So, he sent me an e-mail which put me into total shock. He stated how he thinks daily for the child I aborted, and he wished that I would have overridden his decision for me to get rid of it. He talked about the pain he had experienced for the past 5 years.

This revelation intensified the pain that I experience on a daily basis. Imagine what was running through my mind: maybe my act caused his terminal illness, he will die and not leave an heir/offspring, and its all my fault.

He passed away in November of 1999. So his passing signified me losing my dear love, him not leaving an heir (which was my fault), and my chances of having a child with him unmet. I often hope that he is in Heaven with our child, and that I will one day join them. At times the pain is so overwhelming that I desire to take an early exit.

But I believe that God has a purpose for my life, which is to help others travel through the city of Emotional Pain learning the lessons that unfold. I have yet to learn my lesson, maybe because I am still in so much pain from the abortion I had almost five years ago today. I live my life one day at a time, knowing some days will be darker than others. Were if not for God's grace and mercy I don't know where I would be today. Though the days are lonely and dark, I will stand and commit and complete what God had chosen for me to do.

August 2000

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