Deena's Story

I have been having an affair with a married man for several months. I have always been one of those women who just never understood why other women would date married men. I am not naturally judgemental but knew that I really did not believe in what "those" women were doing.

Having an affair had just never entered my realm of thinking, or should I say, my world. I have been married, and unhappily so, but even then never thought of cheating. Anyways, so here I  find myself being involved with a married man. I don't know why I changed my opinion about it or if I really did. The problem I have is that I fell deeply in love with this man. Even now, I cannot seems to stay away from him because I truly believe that he is the man I want to be with. I know, this is a whole other issue.

Anyways, got pregnant on my 36th birthday. It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had. We spent the day together, getting massaged, having lunch and then making unbelievable love in the afternoon at a hotel. It was nothing less than I had dreamed of. Needless to say, we wer not using birth control. I obviously knew that preganancy could and would happen at some point, but had decided that if it did happen everything would be fine. We had talked of having kids. He wanted a baby, I was sceptical at first and then felt like I really wanted to have his baby as well. So, we were not exactly planning but were not taking any precautions either. So, it happened.

At first I thought, ok, this will all be ok. Then the reality of what could really be hit me. You see, I already have a daughter, she is 5 years old. I was not sure that I would be able to take care of a baby on my own. Of course, I went back and forth about it. I told myself, you can do it, you are doing it. Then I told myself, yes you are doing it but barely making it. Then o course I thought about him. I don't want this man if it is only because I am preganant. Anyways, I decided to have an abortion. Mind you, this will have been my third. The first two were before I had a baby and after that I said I would never have an abortion again. I went to my schduled appointment and freaked out, cried, left the building. I was just not mentally prepared. It was not really that I had changed my mind I just could not go through with it. I rescheduled my appointment for a week later and went through with it. I decided to stay awake during the procedure. I don't know why really. Sometimes I wonder if I just felt the need to really understand what I was doing.

A week after the abortion I wrote this poem:

It has been a week now, a week to the day that I gave you away.
You, who may have been two.
I somehow miss you, though I barely knew you.
The idea of you was always there, the reality of you excited and scared me.
I wanted you, yet I wanted you gone.
My life would have gone terribly wrong.
You were made out of love, yet the timeing was bad.
I feel so selfish, I feel so sad.
You see, I'm already a mom, I should have known better, been more strong.
Now I live with the decision that I gave you away.
Please forgive me.
I will see you again someday.

So, that is how I was feeling a week after the abortion. Everytime I read my own words, I cry. I do not regret the decision that I made. I just feel such a sadness that the decision had to be made at all. I feel guilty that I am 36 years old and should know better. I just never felt like that was a decsion that I would have to make again. So, here I am, looking at my beautiful daughter sleeping, giving thanks to the miracle that she is. I know in my heart that I made the right decision for the two of us. Like I said, our lives could have gone terribly wrong. I can only hope that if there is a next time, it will have been planned. So, you are probably wondering about the man? I am still madly in love with him. I know. I know.

March 2007

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