Dee's Story

I have read so many of your stories. Right when I think I have been dished enough of life's challenges, I'm handed another one.

I had an abortion less than two weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I am 33 years old and have two beautiful children. A 6 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. Perhaps its harder to go through an abortion after experiencing the wonderment of having wanted planned children. I am going through a divorce that is taking forever, and have a common-law new-husband now of three years. We love each other very much, and this also burdens the decision we made to abort our baby.

I didn't love my first husband and married him out of what I felt was obligation. Then I had children because I felt the time was right.

In January I found out I was pregnant after missing two periods. I felt stupid not knowing I was pregnant sooner, but I was on the pill and working tons through the Christmas holidays. I was shocked and didn't know what to do. My now husband was very supportive in whatever decision I made, but I know his choice was not to have the addition of a new baby. I love him very much and feel the most important choice for me it to make our relationship last forever, and not financially burden our existing family with a new baby. My ex-husband does not pay support, for my two children and my new-husband has taken on the responsibility as though these kids are his own.

My decision to abort was based on many fears. Having to go back to diapers after being so long away from them. The possible upset of to our lives as we have bought a three bedroom home, and there are no additional bedrooms. Financially we couldn't support a new baby without making some huge variations to our life. Wanting this life to work. Loving someone this much and he loving me is something I have never had before. I need to keep this. My selfishness to want my time for myself after supporting my ex-husband and family by working three jobs and raising the two children. Currently my new-husband and I have one job each and enjoy time with each other and the children.

My decision will possibly burden me for the rest of my life. Previously, I couldn't imagine nor would believe I could ever have an abortion. I feel I aborted around the 10th, 11th, maybe even 12th week of pregnancy. There is so much information allowing us to know what a 10 week old fetus looks like when it is aborted. Something that disturbs me. Aborting a baby that was created out of two people who love each other and plan to be together for life seems ridiculous. February 7th, 2001 will always mark the death of my third child. I can't help but also be plagued by the date of August 19th, which would have been our due date. Further disturbing is the fact that I'm sure I could feel the baby's faint movement during the last week prior to the termination, and my last feelings of movement happened about 40 minutes before I was wheeled into the operating room. I don't mean to disturb all those who are reading this. I felt my other children 's movements very early and know what to look for.

I am not Pro Life at all, just trying to deal with all the turmoil of going through an abortion. I would probably make the same decision again today as I did almost two weeks ago. It is probably the best decision. I just never knew I would have so much anguish over the decision. I feel so selfish. I hate holding a secret that only my husband and I can keep. My children must never know they could have had another sibling. My and his parents and family must never know they could have had a new grandchild, etc. I feel very deceitful and sad.

Again I am not Pro Life. I am very glad women have the choice to abort. I couldn't imagine being a teenager, having a baby, with the burden of raising it properly financially, and having to sacrifice education. Or being my age and having all the trials of Divorce, Supreme Court, trying to provide for an existing family, and making a beautiful relationship last.

Anyway, I needed to unload. I don't want to discourage anyone from making the decisions to abort if it is right for them. There are so many people out there where abortion is the only realistic choice. I just wish the stork really existed and we could simply put in order when the time was right.

19 February 2001

more stories -- share your story

Birth Control Comparison - alll methods Abortion Info from Feminist Women's Health CenterShare your story
Poetry and Prose - by women about their reproductive lives Teens HealthResources for Women of Color
Feminist Abortion Clinics Real Life Abortion Stories from teens Questions and Answers


"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living." -Gail Sheehy