Courtney's Story

I am 20 years old, i had an abortion on june 7th 2002. i was 8 weeks. i had the abortion because i was scared afraid, confused i was only 19.. i was going off to school, i was modeling.. i was doing great things.. but i was being selfish. my boyfriend wanted to keep the baby.. but i didn't want too.. i am the youngest in my family.. the baby.. just think what people will think.

so i went through with it, didn't tell him until the next day.. and he was devastated... we were together but things just were not the same.. we never really talked about it.. but deep inside i felt his pain. and knew that he initially resented my decision.

i was fine, at first i did not think i would have emotional stress after the procedure.. but i did.. i would dream about it, cry and i was sad all the time... he didn't understand.. after the procedure i did not get on birth control.. and he and i were still having un- protected sex.. a part of me was in need.. searching for the child that i lost...

less than a month after my abortion i found out that i was pregnant. i found out when i was 6 weeks along.. once again i was confused.. why? why so soon? wht is wrong with me? am i stupid? why am i doing this again? why did i get pregnant?.. on purpose? by this time my relationship with my boyfriend was shot.. all this confusion, stress pain.. we had not even gotten over the first one...

he broke up with me the day before i found out i was pregnant. again. i told him.. i thought he would be happy... i thought he wanted this... i do.. but the first thing he suggested? was that i get an abortion. i was actually going to go through with it again.. because our relationship was on the rocks.. i was unemployed.. living at home.. it was the same situation as the first time...

finally we agreed that i would have an abortion.. that is until i went to this aide to women center, and had an ultra sound.. and heard the heart- beating.. at that moment i knew i could not make the same mistake twice.

i told him, and he was not too happy... i don't want to be with you he said... i don't want a child with you.. you make me sick..

still i held my ground. i am now 5 months pregnant.. and a week ago i found out that i am expecting a girl, she is due on april 29th of 2003.

he and i are still struggling.. every other day it is something different with him.. one minute he acts like he is happy.. then the next he's not.. but i am happy.. because i was given another chance.. god gave me another chance... i got pregnant again right after i had an abortion.. and god did not have to give me a second chance but he did.. i am very thankful for that.. there is a time to be born.. just as well as there is a time to die.. and everything happens for a reason.. god knew what i was going to do before i did it.. he knew.. i repent every day for my sin.. and i pray that michael and i will finally work things out for good... but most of all i pray that this child is healthy and happy..

there is not a day that goes by that i don't think about what i did the first time... i even go to the cemetery sometimes.. and under this tree i dedicated a spot to my first born son or daughter that i never knew.. i know this child will not bring back the first one.. but i have a purpose.. a divine purpose.. god has a plan for us... and he'll never put more on me than i can bear...

i told my family.. everyone knows.. i am not even showing yet i am petite i still only weigh 112 and i am 5 months a long, i am still modeling.. but will stop when i begin to show. i have a great job.. and will be going to school starting in august.. 4 months after she is born. his mom is very sweet.. my family is supportive.. and i can't wait..

i love michael even though he and i are not really together we talk every day.. and we're trying so hard to work it out.. he tells me he loves me.. but he is just not ready yet!! how confusing is that? first your ready then your not ready.. well you better get prepared because ready or not here she comes !!!!

ladies.. be careful.. be safe.... and make the right choices.. i feel like my bad choice.. is the cause of the stress now with my relationship with michael.. sometimes i blame myself for everything.. but you know what.. if a man loves you.. he loves you.. regardless of the mistakes that you make.. i guess our relationship was not strong enough for all this.. to begin with.. but my heart is strong enough this time around.. strong enough for my unborn daughter Taylor Maraiah Dennison...

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