Christy's Story

This is a long story, but it makes me feel better to tell it.

I was 28 when I divorced my husband, we had a 3 1/2 year old son, I received primary custody. I had not been using birth control so I decided to use the IUD. I was dating two guys after the divorce, one guy (Steve) I was having sex with and we were getting close, and the other guy I occasionally went out with. I was trying not to get close with anyone to give myself a breather from being married and was trying to get over the divorce. Then I realized I had missed my period, I went to the doctor and sure enough I was pregnant. He took out the IUD and said I could lose the baby, if so, it would be within a couple weeks. I was so scared, I was a single mother and did not know who was the father. I did not wait to see if I would lose it, I had Steve take me to a clinic and I terminated the pregnancy.

3-years later, Steve and I were still together, but it was rocky and we had a fight and he kicked me out of his house. I was a waitress. I had no family near except my ex-mother-in-law. She was nice enough to let me stay with her. I was bruised and scraped up from him kicking me out. I was trying to get my shoes on but he wouldn't let me get them so he choked me and threw me around. I know I did not say or doing anything that deserved the way he treated me. Shortly after that I found out I was pregnant.

Alone in a town with no family, I decided to keep the baby, but every day Steve would show up at my work and tell me he did not want it, and to get an abortion. I wanted the baby, because I thought I still loved him, and I wanted to have part of him. Then one day I had a panic attack, I thought: I will be alone, how can I do this? What about my son? What about his financial well being? I would have no support. Obviously, Steve would not be of any help. So I called him and he took me to get my 2nd abortion. He told me he was so proud of me that day after the abortion. He took me back to his house to stay for a few days. I remember I was very depressed about it, I hurt and felt a loss.

I went home to my son, and I was depressed for a while, I tried to remain busy with friends and work. I finally started feeling better, I had not talked or seen Steve, and about 2 months after that he stopped by my house and asked me to forgive him and that he hoped God forgave him. This was very confusing to me because, he wanted to start seeing me again. So we dated, I think he was just feeling guilty.

About 1-year later, I was hired by a lawyer to be his office manager, taking me away from the waiting tables. He trained me and sent me to computer classes. It was a 8-5 job, so much better than the night job of waiting tables. I was excited, I got a break. I took it. In the meantime, Steve was coming over to my house every now and then. Steve was dating another girl (his wife now) I was seeing another guy as well. But I had a hard time letting go of Steve. Why? I do not know.  Maybe because he had given me an engagement ring, and at one time I felt he loved me.

Anyway, I find out I am pregnant again. I thought about keeping it but I couldn't with a new job, and a single boss who did not have any children or had never been married. How would I explain it? I was so embarrassed with myself. Did I not learn the lesson from the last one? Now I have had 3 abortions. Why me? Sometimes I feel so guilty.  I wish I could erase it but I cannot.

My son is 18 years old now, and I feel my role changing, as he prepares to go out in the world. If I would of kept one I would have a 9 or 10 year old with me. I am still single, and still live away from my family.

I hope someday I can just know in my heart I did the right thing. At the time I thought I knew, but reflecting hurts me. I need to stop reflecting, and go on with the future.

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