Brittany's Story

I will turn 23 years old this month and this July will mark 5 years of the abortion I had. I was only 15 years old when I started dating my boyfriend. We didn't have a sexual relationship until three years later.

We wanted to be ready and certain of our decisions before we did something that we would regret. This was a first time for the both of us. We were both virgins. About six months later, I found out that I was pregnant. My period was never late but it was that month and I started having morning sickness and my breasts were very tender. We had always used protection except on the night of his prom. It was very stupid of us.

I remember going to my boyfriend's house after school on the day I suspected that I was pregnant and taking a home pregnancy test. The two minute wait was the longest wait of my entire life and the results were so devastating. We didn't even bother to talk things over. The only decision I made right there and then was to have an abortion. I knew that if my family found out, they would all hate me. My dad would probably have a heart attack and my mom would be in rage and scream and hit me. I had a horrible relationship with my mom back then. I knew for sure that they would kick me out of the house for fear of their reputation and family name. You see, my parents are very traditional and religious. They didn't believe in premarital sex and they had always taught their children that. And here I was, young and pregnant and breaking all of my parents morals and beliefs. I'd always wanted my parents to find something in me to be proud of. They were always so unhappy with me and I didn't want them to hate me even more.

A week after I found out that I was pregnant, I went to an abortion clinic that a friend had mentioned when she had an abortion. If not for her I would have not known where to go. No one knew about this except for me and my boyfriend.

We paid $250 dollars to get rid of something that was conceived in love. When we arrived at the clinic, there were protesters outside. It was so hard for me to walk through that glass door and end a life that I wanted so desperately to keep. I knew that I couldn't and my boyfriend was not ready neither. He was just starting college and I was getting ready for my senior year in high school. We had no prior sexual experience before this and we had no one to help us.

I still remember that day so clearly, even after all this time. I can still picture the clinic and the staff and exactly what happened to me that day. They put me to sleep during the procedure with an IV. Right when I was drifting off I heard a baby screaming and I dreamt about a baby. The whole procedure took about an hour because it took me a while to wake up from my sleep. When I finally woke up, I was vomiting and weak and bleeding a lot. I couldn't even stand up, let alone walk out of the clinic. My boyfriend had to help me get dressed and carry me out to the car. I was hysterical and he said that I kept crying out for my baby.

My boyfriend and I became engaged about two years ago and we plan to marry after I graduate from college. Our relationship grew so much stronger after we sent our baby to heaven. I think of it that way because our baby was pure and innocent and she deserve to be in heaven. We call her our angel.

I still find it difficult to talk about my abortion. This past year I had a really hard time dealing with it because all the guilt and sorrow was too much to handle. I handled it fine the previous years. I would be depressed and cried a lot on her birthday or the anniversary date of the abortion and especially on Mothers Day. But this past year has been very hard. I found myself crying more often and torturing myself by looking at pictures of aborted babies on the Internet. I would blame my fiancÚ and tell him that I hate him for not stopping me and saving our baby. I would stay up at night and lie in bed crying until I fell asleep. I feel ashamed and guilty at the same time.

I didn't learn to deal with my loss at the time of my abortion so it is all coming back to me now, at a later stage. It is so much harder to deal with it now because the memories are still so fresh in my mind and I have so much regrets. I wished that I can turn back time and save my baby. I would do things differently.

11 May 1999

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"Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without words
And never stops at all."
-Emily Dickinson
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