Undiscovered Feelings of Premature Babies
an essay, published March 2005
My sister and I were both premature babies. At the time of writing, I am 46 and she is 53. The feelings we experienced at that time have recently surfaced for both of us. We now realise that the feelings that we experienced then have coloured our lives.
Recently I connected to a devastating and deep feeling of sadness; it was like a black hole of emotion. This has occurred twice whilst I have been at a Reiki Share. As I Talked about the feeling, I remembered the story of my birth. I had been born early one morning at home, seven weeks prematurely. It was in the 1950's in a small Suffolk village. The local G.P. came and convinced I would not survive, wrapped me in a blanket and put me on the front seat of his sports car to take me to the Ipswich Hospital. There I was put straight into an incubator.
My father rang the hospital the next day to see how I was. The Ward Sister said she wanted me named because it was still thought I would die. Mother, recovering from the birth, was of course not able to visit the hospital straight away. As I recalled this story, my heart began to race and tears came to my eyes, I realised I had identified the cause of the feeling. This has since happened again, and as I talked the emotion surfaced once more.
As a young child, this deep emotion surfaced several times and I remember crying myself to sleep in this deep misery, never knowing from where it came. So, at last I have the opportunity to clear this emotional baggage. For my sister, she has a deep feeling of being sad and alone and not wanting to be so.
'Sue's story: Throughout my life I have always got fed up, down or depressed on or around my birthday in early September. It has often lasted from a few days to two months (longer if it was connected to a life changing trigger). The onset always seemed to be September no matter what avoidance tactics I tried to use. For many years I had thought (without any evidence) that this could be linked to being born prematurely in September and being in an incubator for two months.
It wasn’t until I did Reiki that I realised this could indeed be the case. After a course of Metamorphic Technique about three years ago, I have never been depressed at that time again.
Recently, however, another aspect of this came up following a family emergency. As I dealt with it (alone initially), I was overwhelmed with waves of deep sadness, fear and unbearable feelings of being absolutely and totally alone and unable to cope. As I discussed this with my sister later, I was suddenly able to see the pattern. I thought about all the other life changing events in my life when I had felt these emotions. When would I have had my first experience of being/feeling totally alone, isolated, full of fear, with intense sadness? Answer, when I was born two months prematurely, taken from my mother and put in an incubator for two months!’
Robina continues: Imagine it: you spend 8-9 months inside your mother, hearing her heartbeat and her voice etc. Then you are parted abruptly and put into an incubator. You experience deep feelings [probably of loss, anger, sadness and fear) and you are helpless to do anything about it. So the first stage of your emotional pattern is set and this setting of emotional patterns carries on for six years. This pattern is what you repeat throughout your lifetime until you clear it (or not). Your life experiences are geared around these first six years of life.
I was talking to another member of the Reiki share one day. She said that her son had been premature and found that he could not hug her. My sister and I also share this experience. We found it very difficult to hug our mother or have her hug us. The bonding seemed not to be there on her side and certainly wasn’t on ours. In fact a part of me felt unloved. There are many premature babies out there and mothers who perhaps for some reason or another were not able to spend time with the baby in the incubator. I desire to highlight that this scenario causes emotional pain on both sides, and I hope this article brings it to the fore to be noticed.
My sister and I are lucky in that we are both Reiki Masters and use flower essences to reveal our emotional pains that have been hidden away, and can heal ourselves. Many others not so aware will go a lifetime and not discover these feelings or understand the impact they have on their emotional lives.
Robina Hearle, March 2005
"We are rich only through what we give, and poor only through what we refuse."